Words for the Wise: Happiness

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet."

James Oppenheim

Sources of Happiness

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend about the question, "What makes you happy?" Growing up, I remember hearing talk about the difference between "happiness" and "joy." The former being a fleeting emotion, and the latter a lasting result of good living. I'm not sure whether that's splitting hairs with semantics, but for the purpose of this discussion, I'll consider the two words to be synonymous.

Here's what I think makes me happy (or gives me joy)...

1. Doing the right things with excellence.

2. Connecting with people.

3. Connecting with nature.

4. Creating.

I believe that happiness is a basic human experience that all should be entitled to. I've read and heard experiences from folks who have visited third world countries where they found that the children seemed to be much happier than many kids they knew in America, despite all our abundance! That is the kind of happiness that I seek! The kind that lasts, regardless of what life's circumstances may bring!

Of course, there are other sources of happiness that are more transient. Things like: health, wealth, beauty, status, comfort and security. Let's call these the "Shallow Six." Unfortunately, many of us, for one reason or another -- or sometimes a host of reasons all at the same time -- do not enjoy the luxuries of the Shallow Six. Our health fails, or our beauty fades, or we lose the security of a job or home. And if our happiness is rooted in those things, we could be in for one mighty unhappy journey! Sadly, many people may enjoy four or five of the Shallow Six, but because they focus on the single one (like wealth) that they do not have, they remain unhappy. How sad!

So, back to what I look to for happiness...

Doing the right things with excellence. I firmly believe that we are happiest when we (1) have thought through and captured the principles by which we will choose to live our lives, and (2) seek to follow those principles. Too many people don't think enough. Our media-crazed culture bombards us with so many ideas and messages, that we can literally stumble through life simply following the crowd. In order to live a life of significance (an important goal of mine), I think it is important to identify principles, natural laws, and "truths" that we believe are proven foundation stones on which we can build an effective and fulfilled life. Then, we must maintain a focus to follow them. For example, I believe in the Golden Rule as one of my life principles: "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Therefore, if I cut someone off and commandeer a parking space at the mall, I ultimately rob myself of joy. In not living my principles, I disrespect myself, and in the process am less happy.

I am currently reviewing and updating my Life Principles; a ritual I have been following for many years. I keep a copy of these in the front of my day planner to be reviewed on a regular basis. This way, I can remember precisely how to live each day to maximize my happiness! Choosing the best, most reasonable path day by day. That gives me deep, satisfying joy!

I also mention the words "with excellence" above. I am happiest when I know I've done my best. Whether at work, at school, in relationships, with projects, or whatever. I value excellence, and am happiest when I strive for it. So I want to do the things that I consider to be right and best, and do them to the best of my ability. That is a substantial source of happiness for me.

Connecting with people. This is my favorite! I love and value people! I have lived much of my life closeted in my former religious culture, but now I'm out, proud, open and soooo happy! Sharing a meal with a friend, listening to someone "vent" their frustration and empathizing with them, being kind to a stranger, sending a card, discussing challenging topics vigorously, enjoying a hug or a simple smile, or passionate physical intimacy in a safe, honoring relationship. Interacting with people makes me happy! Especially now that I am living openly and authentically! I find that my relationships are now deeper, more meaningful, and more satisfying than ever before. Coming out has truly been a gift to myself, and one of the best decisions I've ever made! I wish all gay/lesbian people the courage and grace to come out and enjoy the happiness that exists in the light of revelation!

Connecting with nature. There's something satisfying about experiencing nature that nothing else can replace. I'm happiest when I'm outside, preferably in the sunshine! Summer, fall, winter or spring. I love them all, and the natural world around me gives me joy!

Creating. It's in my nature to create! And I'm happy when I have the opportunity to exercise my creative skills. Writing essays (this post is making me happy, right now!) or poetry, drawing a picture, writing a new song, or playing an old familiar tune on the piano in a creative way. I feel most alive when I get the opportunity to express my creative self!

One thing that I have not mentioned so far is an idea that used to be a primary focus of mine: Fulfilling my God-given purpose. Since leaving my life-long faith and home church earlier this year, my belief in and understanding of God has been in flux. And still is. The notion of a God-ordained purpose is tied to and dependent upon faith, and is therefore currently under reconsideration. I think that having a purpose to focus one's life around can certainly bring a powerful effectiveness. As I work through resolution of my spiritual and religious beliefs, I may come to add "Fulfilling my life purpose" to the list of things that make me happy. I'm just not certain about it right now.

So my philosophy for happiness is to focus on those sources that are lasting, worthwhile and within my control. I don't mind enjoying the more tentative happiness that comes from health, wealth, beauty, status, comfort and security, to the extent that I experience them. However, I will hold the Shallow Six -- and the happiness that they bring -- with an open hand, realizing that the winds of life could whisk them away at any time.

So what makes you happy?

Words for the Wise: An Open Mind

"Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion... or you shall learn nothing."

Thomas Huxley

Dear God, Are You Gay?

Hi, God. How are you? I hope you are well. (Just kidding! Of course you're well!) I'm sure trusting that you have a sense of humor like I think you do. Just looking at some of the creatures you made down here makes me pretty sure you like to laugh!

You know, I should mention that it's really hard to always remember to capitalize every title and pronoun that describes you, so I hope you won't take it personally if I skip that whole idea for this letter. It just seems that writing you should be a more relaxed exercise, and not such a difficult job! Kind of like living for you should be.

Anyway, here's what's on my mind today: Sometimes I wonder whether you might be at least partly gay yourself. I say this for a couple of reasons.

First, you seem to have created a certain percentage of us to have this same-sex attraction naturally. Not only people, but animals as well. I'm sure you know that homosexual behavior is common in nature and has been observed by man among 1,500 animal species and well documented in 500. And the fact that you equipped both sexes - and not just the females - with orifices that fit the male sexual organ tells me that you were facilitating more than procreation when you designed us.

Another reason that I wonder about "gay" being part of who you are, is the nature of many of those down here who are anti-gay. Whenever the subject comes up, their peace often goes out the window and they get upset and downright hateful. Their speech and actions strike me as being the opposite of what you are: "loving" and "accepting." At least that's how I see you.

Above all, I suppose I wonder whether part of you might be gay because, like all other humans, I tend to see myself in you. I think you're probably a lot like me, and I'm gay, so the logic follows. Of course, you know that we all tend to "create you in our own image." In my experience, many conservative evangelicals see you as an uptight, stern, vengeful deity, which I think is actually more a reflection of them than you. To them, "God's justice" demands judgment and resistance against homosexuality. To me, "God's justice" means all of your children should be treated equally and with honor, regardless of who they love. Our standard should not be HOW we love, but WHETHER we love! So God, please help me to be understanding and patient, just like you. Help me choose to be kind, accepting, forgiving and loving, and know that these traits all come from you, father! Others can serve a harsh God in a harsh manner if they want. I'd rather not, and I believe you'd rather not be viewed as harsh, as well!

I also want to say how thankful I am that, while you were here on earth as Jesus, you never condemned homosexuality. Of course, you did preach against many bad things like hatred, pride and hypocrisy. I'm not sure how you feel about so many of your followers today claiming that, "God hates homosexuality, so I hate it too." I imagine you've got to be pretty ticked off at Fred Phelps and his followers. I can't imagine anyone more full of hatred than those folks. Still, I hope you'll have mercy on them, and help them to overcome whatever is inside them that makes them project hatred onto you that way.

You know, I feel bad how men have portrayed you in parts of the Bible. Through the years, they've put an awful lot of evil words in your mouth, and attributed you with a number of unjust acts. I have to confess that I don't understand why you let them do this. Your silence today, amidst the clamor of mankind's dissonant voices, sincerely puzzles me. I'm just being honest, God.

Anyway - back to the subject - I suppose it doesn't really matter whether you're partly gay, God. I know that you love and accept me anyway, just as I am. We don't have to be just alike for you to do that. Just like my straight friends and family love me unconditionally, even though I'm different than them. By the way, thank you for them, God. I don't ever want to take them for granted! It would be really great if you could help them all come to accept who I am, as I have grown to. I know it's really hard for some of them, but I still have hope. And I suspect that you do too!

Well, I suppose I've said enough for now. Take care, and I'll be talking to you soon!

Words for the Wise: Conformity

"When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It's a subtle kind of murder. The most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces."

Jim Morrison

Shedding Shirts and Shame

When I start to explain to new friends just how conservative the religion I grew up in was, it almost makes me start laughing. Their reactions are priceless! But it really does help people see just how far my philosophical pendulum has swung, going from the far right of "right-wing conservative" to where I live now: the gay community. Wow!

For those who don't know, let me describe the culture in which I was raised.

Modesty was not only important, it was our "badge" of honor. The denomination I'm talking about is known for its standards. The ladies bore the brunt of it, but we all contributed. The women did not cut their hair or wear makeup - at all. They did not wear slacks (considered to be "men's apparel") and their dresses had to be modest. Interpretation: high neckline, sleeves to elbows, hem below knees, and not tight fitting. And no other clothing that was more revealing than that. And they wore nylons all the time. Yes, even on canoe trips!

The men had their hair cut short and no facial hair. Sleeves to elbows, no shorts above knees. No tight clothing, either. Neither sex wore jewelry nor tattoos or other piercings. Men were not to go shirtless in public. No "mixed bathing" in public. That is, no hot tubs, pools, beaches, or swimming with members of the opposite sex who were not immediate family. We didn't drink liquor or smoke. We didn't have TVs in our homes or go to movie theaters. We didn't bowl, or dance or skate in roller rinks. No competitive sports, either. And we discouraged folks from listening to "secular" radio, too. Bad influence.

We were "in the world, but separated from the world." So when I say, "conservative," I mean CON-SER-VA-TIVE! (Smile.) This is how I was raised. And this is how I raised my children. (So you can understand how difficult the changes I've made in my life are for them to process now!)

So now that I have rejected fundamentalism and the conservative evangelical view of the Bible, I feel like Rip Van Winkle, waking up from a 50 year sleep and experiencing the world for the first time! I feel like a baby in many ways. And, amusing as this may sound, I have been keeping a "Firsts List." I can tell you the date I first "came out" as gay to a stranger. Or the first time I took a guy on a date.

Here's the latest big "first" for me: Last Saturday, I went jogging without a shirt for the first time! That milestone may seem inconsequential to most people, but my long-time friends and family might actually find themselves shocked or saddened by this news. I decided to write this into my blog, because it was a step for me in my process of rejecting shame.

It was interesting, all the thoughts that went through my head as I decided and then prepared to do this. I had recently mowed my grass without a shirt for the first time several weeks ago. That was a big (and difficult!) first step for me, but this was different. Now I was actually going to go shirtless out in public. Away from the privacy of my own yard and neighborhood.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the body I'd like. Particularly for a gay man. It's pretty important in this culture. So I'm working on it. But I wrestled with the question, "Do I wait to go shirtless until I have a chest I'm proud to show, or do I go shirtless as a motivation to work on my body?" I chose the latter. Yes, I have a few stubborn extra pounds around the middle that won't seem to go away, regardless of how I eat. According to my reading, I'm going to have to gain some muscle in my chest and arms in order to lose the extra pounds around the middle. Muscle burns more calories than fat. Problem is, I have just never worked out to the point of actually having much muscle in my upper body. But now that I'm over 40, my body naturally loses more muscle mass every year, unless I work at it. So I'm trying, but it seems that discipline and consistency are in short supply sometimes!

Anyway, I didn't think that running without a shirt would make passersby throw up at the sight, so I went. And I found it to be a great experience! I know everyone is dying to know this, but here are the benefits (that I thought of as I was running) that come with running shirtless:

1. The breeze feels great on one's skin! It was definitely cooler than wearing a shirt.

2. I was able to boost my vitamin D, which is made by the skin when exposed to the sun. And vitamin D helps ward off depression.

3. The sun will tan my chest, which - now that I'm dating again - will come in handy at some point.

4. The mild exhibitionism was a boost to my self confidence. I'm OK with my body, thank you.

5. It gave me something to write about in my blog. (Actually, I didn't think about that until later.)

I must also report that someone honked at me as I was running, but I didn't see who it was. So, whoever you are, I beat you to the draw and published this to the world before you got a chance to start a rumor!

Thinking back to my blog theme, A Reasonable Path, I think that not feeling shame about one's body is healthier than always worrying about being modest. I believe that suppressing our sexuality makes us imbalanced by either making us obsess about sex and the forbidden, or by making us asexual (not sexual at all). Both are unhealthy. Obvioiusly, God created us to be sexual beings. I also believe He is pleased when we experience that amazing part of our lives with another human being, within the context of respect and honor.

So as I continue to work through this transition from ultra-conservative to moderate liberal, I'll continue to shed some unhealthy things from my past. This time, it was my shirt!

Words for the Wise: Puritanism

"Puritanism... helps us enjoy our misery while we are inflicting it on others."

Marcel Ophuls

Dogmatism and Tolerance: Remix

I once read that humans share about 60% of our genes with bananas. The percentage goes much higher when comparing us with mammals and other animals. And yet among humans, our DNA can vary as widely as 12% between each other! It's amazing how closely we are related to all other life on earth, even though we consider ourselves to be so much different than, say, bats or snails.

An interesting realization came to me after I filed the paperwork to begin the process of divorcing my wife of 26 years. When we had married so many years earlier, we had shared the belief that divorce would never be an option for us. No exit doors in our thinking. Being devout evangelicals, we adhered to Jesus' teaching that divorce was inappropriate, except in cases of adultery. But now that our marriage had fallen apart, and yet neither of us had been unfaithful, I had resigned myself to the life of heartache and misery that lay ahead with a woman who no longer wanted to be married to me. However, once I moved beyond that doctrine and accepted that God did not want us to live in such hell, I went ahead and filed.

Then it hit me: I would soon be among the ranks of the divorced! Wow! And that is when the realization came that I had harbored an internal bias against divorcees all my life. Somehow, I had come to look down upon those who "just didn't have the commitment to ride out the storms" that every married couple eventually faces. I don't believe I ever verbalized this stigma to anyone else, but it was there in my heart. I pitied them. Felt sorry for them. Even felt better than them. And now this prejudice was causing me shame, because I was soon to be in this category myself! I had to repent to God for how I had been unknowingly judging this group of people unjustly! I was never better than them. I simply had no understanding of their perspective.

Several years prior to that, I had quietly joined a chapter of Sexaholics Anonymous in the Detroit area. For an entire year, I secretly attended weekly meetings with men who struggled trying to find a balance with their sexuality. Of course, for me, I was trying to "fix" my gayness, which I now see was quite silly. I was not addicted to sex, I was simply obsessing over the inherent sexual orientation that I was trying to deny and hide. During those meetings, I met rapists, sex offenders, and child molesters, and discovered that they were men who were just like me. Just a step or two (or many steps, in some cases) farther down the road of dysfunction than I. They were husbands, fathers and brothers who loved their families like I did, and did not want to harm them or anyone else. They had simply lost their way and needed help. Like me.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because we are all much more like each other than we realize most of the time. When it comes to religion, it is so easy for us to get locked into the "us vs. them" mentality, and demonize folks who have a different perspective than ours. But all of us share the same "spiritual DNA." Conservative evangelicals struggle with their sexuality, relationships, depression and failure just as much as atheists, Buddhists, or liberal Christians. We share so much in common, why focus on our differences and fight? Despite what the Apostle Paul taught, I just can't believe that God is pleased when we argue, judge, condemn, and attempt to proselytize each other! I say that "contending for the faith" is neither healthy nor godly! It's divisive, arrogant, and unkind! Dogmatism, like racism, sexism and homophobia, is assuming superiority over others, whom you are actually just like, though you may not realize it.

Conservative televangelists and Republican political leaders who are caught doing the very things that they publicly condemn are prime examples of how dogmatism fails us. It turns us into hypocrites and frauds. And it can eventually severely damage or destroy our reputations and lives. The great news is that you have the power to choose your own path! Choose compassion over judgment, and humility over arrogance! Choose reasonable doubt over blind certainty! Choose tolerance over dogmatism.

Next time you see or peel a banana, think how much we share with all living things around us. And then remember that our enemies are not those who disagree with us. Our enemies are the unreasonable dogmas that demand we fight.

Dogmatism and Tolerance

When whites assume an inherent racial superiority over blacks, and believe it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm people of color, we call it racism and denounce it.

When men assume an inherent physical and/or mental superiority over women, and believe it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm them, we call it sexism and denounce it.

When straight society assumes an inherent natural superiority over homosexuals, and believes it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm gays/lesbians, we call it homophobia and denounce it.

SIMILARLY, when religious conservatives assume an inherent moral superiority over non-religious people or people of other faiths, and believe it entitles them the right to judge, belittle or condemn them, I call it dogmatism and denounce it, too!

In a recent post on this blog, I mentioned the cultural conflict between religious conservatives and secular (and other) activists over morality in America. One myth that I feel adds to the animosity of the debate is the assertion that the Bible is mankind's only foundation for morality. Evangelicals teach and preach to the faithful that the Bible - as interpreted by conservatives, by the way - is the only valid basis for human civility and character. Without it, the argument goes, mankind inevitably slides into uncontrolled degeneracy and chaos. Truth is, the good in humanity that religious conservatives like to claim originates from the Word of God, was certainly found in society long before the Bible existed. Unconditional love, honesty, self-sacrifice, cooperation, generosity, respect. These human qualities all predate King James' literary legacy!

Dogmatism can be found in sermons like one I once heard where the preacher was admonishing weak Christians to hold onto God and stay in the church, regardless of how they felt. To add weight to this "encouragement," the warning was added that, once they've left the church, people lose their moral compasses, fall into sin, their finances and relationships become cursed and fail, and their lives generally fall apart without God. Again, the basic assumption is that the Bible is the only stable foundation for people, societies and governments to build upon. As the hymn goes, "all other ground is sinking sand."

Yes, there is anecdotal evidence of former church-goers leaving their faith and falling into a downward spiral of shame and failure. However, I would argue that these cases can be attributed to the breakdown of the individuals' self-respect, and not to a neglect of spiritual discipline. People who still believe in the high religious standards they've been taught, but give up trying to attain them, can fall into a self-fulfilling collapse of self-esteem. This incongruity - believing, but not obeying - can negatively change how people view themselves and set them up to expect all sorts of bad things as a result.

My answer to this syndrome, of course, is to alter one's behavior by changing one's beliefs, and not just give up trying to live the unattainable standards.

When I first came out, my new gay/lesbian friends were intrigued that I had never been with a guy before. It was a decision that I had made, not to do so until after I had left music ministry and the church. However, several friends warned me that I might encounter potentially strong feelings of guilt and/or shame once I started dating men. Apparently, a common experience for most. For me, that did not turn out to be the case at all. I believe it was because, by the time I began dating, I had already dealt with the source of shame and guilt, my traditional conservative beliefs. I had worked through changing my theology and had come to a new understanding of the Bible and God. I knew that He had made me as I am, and did not have to be ashamed. Once I had cast off the unhealthy traditions and biases of men, they had no power over me. Today, I live in peace and thankfulness for my new found life and freedom!

The notion that humans do not have the capacity for morality outside of belief in God is simply a myth. Humans have a God-given capacity to discern good from evil outside of any religious framework. For example, we intuitively know that stealing is wrong because we wouldn't want our own stuff stolen. It's just common sense. I now have a number of atheist/agnostic friends - gay and straight - who are moral, honorable people. They are honest, kind, loving, generous, understanding, reasonable and conscientious. It is obvious that children can be raised as moral people, without influence from religion. We see it all the time. I am not saying that religious influence is always bad, quite the contrary! But I am saying that non-religious people can be and usually are just as moral as religious folks. And conversely, people of faith can be (and often are) just as immoral as people without faith!

Religions perpetrate an evil within society when they teach followers that their brand of godliness is the only source of good, and all else is bad. Whether taught from the Bible, the Koran, or any other holy writings, this malicious doctrine is the source of wars, genocide, hatred, bigotry and much other evil in our world.

I believe that the prejudice many Christians exhibit toward non-religious people is just as wrong as racism. How much better off we would all be if everyone respected others' beliefs and choices with tolerance and goodwill! Live what you believe, but also give the rest of the world the right to do the same unharassed. We don't all have to agree, but for God's sake, let's all be agreeable!

Words for the Wise: Living

"Live well. It is the greatest revenge."

The Talmud

Diversity, the Bible, and Reason

Have you ever considered how each of us views the writings of Christian scripture through our own personal filter? Many do not view the separate books within the collection we call "The Bible" as if they were actually that - separate books written by a diverse group of writers - but rather as merely separations within a large work, written by God Himself. We tend to see what we want to see, and we tend to overlook what we don't wish to see.

This "merging filter" helps some of us maintain the view (illusion?) that all of the writings - and therefore, writers - agree consistently. Truth is, they don't. For instance, scholars have noted that the writer of the Gospel of Mark had a very different perspective on the nature of Christ than did the writer of the Gospel of Luke, based on the earliest manuscripts available.

When I consider the Biblical scholars that I know personally, they are not that diverse of a group. In fact, the vast majority of them are white, middle-class working American males, just like me. Yet, despite the monolithic nature of this group, if you got them all together in a room to discuss theology, you would find that they disagree to varying degrees on virtually everything. For example, some would believe in a literal hell of flaming, eternal torment. Some would explain hell only as separation from God, while others would argue that hell is simply a figurative metaphor. Still others might say that the wicked simply cease to exist after they die. You would find that their opinions vary on everything from the purpose of man to the nature of salvation and the end of the world. Most of us can't even agree on the details or meaning of current events and recent history!

It reminds me of the joke where two Baptists were stranded on a deserted island. It wasn't long until they had founded the First Baptist Church and the Second Baptist Church! We humans like our independence, especially when it comes to matters of faith!

Wouldn't it be interesting to get all of the writers of the Bible together in a room to discuss religion! What would their various viewpoints be on the nature of God? Or the workings of the spirit world, angels and demons? They were a very diverse group from different regions, classes and eras, spanning many centuries. I guarantee you their opinions would vary just as much as yours and mine do!

Recognizing that the writers, copyists, compilers, editors and publishers of the Bible were human in no way undermines the significance or importance of their work. Personally, I do not question any of their motives or honesty. However, I believe that they were subject to the same human weaknesses that we all have: the propensity to exaggerate, embellish, or remember events incorrectly, or to adjust the "facts" (consciously or unconsciously) to bring them in line with one's own thinking. I believe that some of them had issues with drinking, domestic violence, sexism and bigotry. In other words, they weren't perfect! Nor were their writings.

I used to believe that the hand of God guided the writing, compilation and editing of the Bible so that the King James Version came to us precisely as God intended. Then I read the history of how New Testament writings were reproduced in the early centuries of the Church. Much was revised by copyists to bring the gospels and other books into rough agreement with each other. Further, most of the Bible was not written contemporaneously with the events described, but years - often decades - later by men to whom the stories had been passed down orally. Sometimes over several generations. How accurate (or inaccurate) might you be if you tried to write a detailed account of an event that happened ten or twenty years ago? Would you want people's salvation dependent on you getting it correct? I wouldn't!

My concern with all of this is that some people take these writings, which have been vulnerable to significant human errors, bias and tampering through the years, and give them the distinction of being the "Inerrant Word of God." It seems reasonable to me that, if God had truly planned to give men a divine written law, He would have used a process much less subject to man's weakness and corruption.

My belief is that the Bible is a collection of writings by men who believed in and revered God. These writings contain many truths about God and human nature, but have been turned into something not intended by God: a divine rule book that men have used to sanction their efforts to control and oppress others. This is possible because the writings of the Bible also reflect the darker side of man's nature, including greed, racism, sexism and homophobia.

Only as we comprehend what the Bible truly is - and not what religious authorities, who stand to gain from their own teachings, say it is - can we separate out the godly from the ungodly and realign our living with the true character of God. We must reject whatever traditions of men contradict the revealed nature of God. That is my approach. We must use God's love, peace and justice as our standard to discern and implement the good from the Bible. And I believe that this process should be simple and reasonable, without need of a hundred twisted excuses to explain away obvious contradictions.

The diversity of ideas within the Bible is a testament to the inspired, creative intellect that God has bestowed upon mankind. But we must also use our own God-given intellects to contextualize scripture if we are to free ourselves from the unhealthy traditions of men.

Words for the Wise: Congruence

"It is often easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."

Adlai Stevenson Jr.

A Culture of Conflict

If I were asked to choose a single emotion to describe how I feel after leaving the strong fundamentalist religion in which I was raised and coming out as a gay man, I would have to choose the word...

relief!

Not just relief from resolving the internal turmoil from hiding my inherent sexual preference for men all those years. And not just relief from the guilt of failing to live up to unattainable religious standards -- like never praying "enough," or fasting "enough" for that matter. Come to think of it, I never could read my Bible or witness "enough," either. (I can remember a former pastor once telling us in a sermon that he had spent many, many hours in prayer that last week, and still felt he'd not prayed "enough." How is that supposed to make us feel?!!) And the list goes on. But the relief from stepping off of the religious treadmill is not what I'm talking about either, though that is significant.

No, the relief I'm feeling is the joy from leaving a culture of conflict.

I cannot imagine what it is like to live in a war-torn country like Iraq or Afghanistan, with religious fanatics who will blow themselves up for their cause! Where innocent people die everyday for no good reason, other than for some extremist leader to have made some senseless political point. Such a waste of human creativity and life!

Further, I cannot imagine the relief experienced by those who leave that turmoil to live in Europe or America. To step from a plane and realize that all the strife, worry and hatred are gone! It must be amazing! But perhaps also feeling sad about those left behind in the conflict zone.

I believe that it is not unreasonable to draw a comparison between a conflict zone and the cultures of conflict that exist in many strongly conservative religious organizations. I realize that not all Christian denominations follow the "culture of conflict" model, but my former church did.

What I'm referring to is a religious model where you have multiple figurative battles raging all of the time. Much of the basis for these conflicts originate from the writings of the Apostle Paul, who seemed keen on war as a metaphor.

You have the internal "war" within each of us, where our carnal man (or woman) fights with our spiritual man (or woman) for control of our souls. We have the battle between those in the church who hold onto the "Truth" and those within the church who compromise and settle for false doctrine and error. Then there is the war between the church and the world, where souls are being snatched from the lake of fire by the efforts of Christian soldiers witnessing to their friends and family members. Then there is the culture war taking place within nations like the U.S. where folks of faith organize to oppose godless sinners who want to purge our government and society of all traces of God, religion and decency. (At least, that's how conservatives put it.) And of course, we have the global struggle between the spirit of Anti-Christ and God's Church, which will culminate in the great battle of Armageddon at the end of our age.

The religious culture of conflict serves a number of useful purposes.

• It gives the religious organization a purpose for existence.
• It creates a "cause" for which leaders can motivate their members to give of their time, money and resources.
• It identifies common enemies, against which the church can unify its members.
• It gives religious leaders leverage to exert control and influence over their congregants.

However, this culture of conflict also has a number of other less desirable consequences.

• It rewards extremists and causes imbalance in many people's lives. Those who fast, pray, study and witness the most are the ones with the most spiritual clout, but are also often out of balance personally and socially. I have seen several extremely passionate evangelists who saw demons lurking around every corner, whose personal lives ended up becoming figurative train wrecks of tragedy.
• It wears out common people who grow tired of the relentless struggles. Battle fatigue among religious conservatives can take a tremendous mental and emotional toll.
• It fosters an "us vs. them" mentality that infects the ranks of the faithful. When everything is black and white (i.e., everything must be categorized as either "good" or "bad"), people get used to thinking in those absolute terms all the time and end up turning on each other. What I would call a mild form of ideological paranoia can make it easy for people to demonize and attack each other for political and personal reasons. It can get ugly.
• It incubates the creation of all kinds of enemies. When one gets tired of fighting the same old foes day after day, what does one do? You go make some new enemies! From the "spirit of overspending" to the "demon of homosexuality," there is no shortage of enemies to be concerned about. If one wants to combat a particular trend or idea within the church, just name it a demon and you've got a skirmish started!
• It gives a bad name to Christianity. Those outside the conservative fundamentalist ranks take issue with people of faith trying to dictate other people's lives by trying to legislate morality and limit others' choices and options. It reminds me of the bumper sticker, "God, protect me from your followers!"
• It hardens otherwise peaceful people and enables them to condone real wars in the name of religious values. It amazes me that among the conflicts between America vs. Muslim extremists and Arabs vs. Israel, all parties claim that God is on their side! And with all the hype about Biblical prophesy and the "end times," war in the middle east could likely end up a self-fulfilling prophesy!

Having stepped out of this culture of devout dissonance, my question is, "Why?" Why do we have to always be fighting something? Fighting ourselves. Fighting our brothers and sisters. Fighting our neighbors and countrymen. Fighting the world. War is a bad thing, not a good thing! If you don't believe me, ask an Iraqi!

Yes, the Bible was written in ages when war was constant. Fighting for survival was a fact of life for most people. But isn't it time that we mature as people and come to civility and peace? Peace with who we are individually. Peace with the notion that "different" does not equal "evil." Contentment that not everyone has to think or believe like me in order for me to respect them or their way of living. Why can't we just "live and let live"?

I think the answer to that last question is: control. War is all about control. But that leads to another question: "Who sanctioned conservative evangelicals to be in control?" By definition, "faith" is believing something which cannot be proven. No one can prove that their understanding of the Bible gives them authority to rule the world. When did we cross over from personal relationships with God to religious imperialism? That's what I call the arrogant belief that, "We are right, everyone else is wrong, and we're going to fight for control so everyone else can be corrected." What an exhausting mandate!

How much good could Christians do if we simply channeled all the energy we spent fighting into efforts like ending homelessness and hunger? What if people stopped judging everyone else and simply tried to live at peace and help their neighbors unconditionally? Talk about changing our world! I think that is more what God has in mind for us, and that's certainly what I want for myself!

So I'm going to take a stab at proselytizing my long-time friends and family and say, "Hey, step out of the war zone and into true peace! The relief is amazing!"

Words for the Wise: Diversity

"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity."

John F. Kennedy

Identities and Choices

Today the U.S. Senate began hearings on the confirmation of the first Latina to the U.S. Supreme Court, nominated by our first African-American President. Some are pointing out that -- finally -- the power structure of the U.S. seems to be slowly changing to more accurately reflect our nation's cultural identity. I would agree that this is a good thing, and add that President Obama's election itself signifies movement in our ideological identity, as well. There are lots of changes at work in our society these days, and many of them are for the better!

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you'll know that as an individual, I too am personally undergoing many changes in my life at this time. I've spent the last three quarters of my life in the figurative closet, hiding my sexual orientation within a very conservative religious culture. Thus, the greater part of my identity was invested in my role as an evangelical Christian leader. Since having recently left that worldview and coming out as a gay man, one central question I have been pondering is, "Who am I now?"

Identity. It's how we view ourselves. How we define our place and meaning in the world. It affects our confidence, our standing in the larger community, and ultimately, our legacy once we're gone. But what is it, and can it be changed?

Let's imagine two friends are chatting about a new acquaintance, and one asks the other, "Who is she?" How should the other answer? What constitutes one's identity? Is it where we were born? Where we went to school, or work or live? Could it be our families or friendships? How about our skills, character, personality or accomplishments? Is it what we own or our bodies and DNA inherited at birth? Or possibly our interests, activities or hobbies? And how about our beliefs, priorities and preferences?

I would suggest that all of the above are facets of our identities. Some parts may be changed, but others may not. For example, I grew up in a Pentecostal church and dedicated myself to that ideology up until the spring of 2009. Though I am no longer a "Pentecostal," I will always be an "ex-Pentecostal" now, unless I should return to that faith again. I cannot change that. My strong religious upbringing and experiences will always be there in my past. Thankfully, I consider many of those experiences as being positive for my personal development. Sure, I can add something new to my identity, like "Presbyterian," but that still won't negate my past.

As I continue on through this period of drastic change in my life, I occasionally feel the urge to move beyond seeing myself as "ex-this" or "ex-that" and chart a new path to walk. However, I must remember that I am growing out of some things and into others. Just as a beautiful plant can spring out of dead, decaying vegetation from the past, my new life can build upon aspects of my former lifestyle (i.e., prior to coming out) and be stronger because of those experiences.

I believe that it is our CHOICES that hold our potential to change our identities. Like where we invest our money, time and talent. How we choose to spend our days and with whom. Whether we reach out to help others or stay focused inward. Our attitudes towards our past, others and change.

If our decisions are indeed the key, then each of us possesses the opportunity and privilege to change who we are by adjusting our choices in life. Of course, this is often easier said than done. We all tend to fall into routines and patterns of choices that can be difficult to alter. Society can also bring pressure to bear from multiple directions, trying to influence and/or limit our decisions. And I will be the first to confirm the pain that this pressure can inflict and the courage it takes to stand against it. But the stand is worth taking because the stakes are tremendously high. Life's alternatives hold the power to make us wildly successful or bring our demise, though they most often land us somewhere between the two.

So I'm thinking that living well comes largely from making great decisions. And making great decisions comes from thinking (which most of us don't do very much of) and getting good advice. The writing I have been doing, both online and via email with many of my new and long-time friends, has certainly been spurring me to think more than I ever have before. And my new-found freedom to openly discuss my sexuality, beliefs and life alternatives has broadened and deepened my dialogue with everyone around me. Together, I believe these factors (i.e., more thinking and communication) will help me make better choices to secure a better identity and to live a better life in the future.

One might ask whether I presented a false identity while living as a straight man all those years. I would answer, not false, but conflicted. Although I have been aware of an attraction to guys from early adolescence, my emotional love for my wife enabled me to live and function as a married heterosexual man. However, the internal conflict always raged within me. Prayer and scriptural meditation do not change one's God-given sexual orientation. They only help to cope with the pain of hiding a conflicted identity. Now that I have resolved that conflict, I experience peace, joy and freedom in a new way that I never had before. I know some of my Pentecostal friends and family may take issue with that last statement, but it is true nonetheless!

I may still be in the process of confirming my changing personal identity, but just like Sonia Sotomayor's case, my prospects are quite hopeful! Thankfully, neither the Senate nor any other group has a vote! The 'Pleaser' in me is finally surrendering to the 'Adult.'

Going forward, I hope to continue to think and rethink life's issues and alternatives, seek lots of advice from those I trust, make good choices, live authentically, and find an identity and life that I can be proud of in the end! This is the "reasonable path" for me.

Words for the Wise: Independence

"Believe nothing on the faith of traditions, even though they have been held in honor for many generations and in many places. Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it. Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past. Do not believe what you yourself have imagined, persuading yourself that a God inspires you. Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests. After examination, believe what you yourself have tested and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto."

Gautama Buddha

Questions & Answers

Q: Are you as anti-God and anti-Bible as your first essays seem to indicate?

A: I am not at all against God, nor the Bible, though it may appear that way to those who hold the fundamentalist perspective. It's just that I view God and the Bible differently than I did before. I now see the Bible as divinely inspired, but not the "inerrant Word of God." My experience with the human weaknesses of modern "spokespersons" for God tells me that the writers and editors of the Bible were similarly flawed. Man tends to "create God in his own image." To believe in the absolute authority of the Bible, one must (consciously or unconsciously) ignore and/or explain away many contradictions and problematic issues. While I believe that no collection of writings can match the wisdom and truth contained in the Bible, I believe it also contains corrupted and ungodly philosophies of men, like slavery, the subjugation of women, and religious imperialism that must be rejected. Glean the good and leave the bad. This change in my view of the Bible has altered my view of God, as well. I no longer accept men's teachings that claim a divine mandate for such evils as war, genocide and homophobia. On the latter point, I believe that God is love, and honors love and commitment between all individuals, in any form, despite man's prejudices and phobias.

Q: Why do you feel the need to come out so publicly as gay?

A: Straight people do not need to talk about their sexual orientation because it is the cultural default. Everyone takes for granted that heterosexuality is the unspoken norm. Straight individuals never think twice about mentioning a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband in conversation, nor about displaying affection in public. However, society exerts tremendous pressure on gay and lesbian people to hide and even deny their sexuality. When homosexuals mention a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, they are accused of "flaunting" their sexuality. Public displays of affection are considered shameful and "in your face." This subtle double standard gets exponentially worse where religion is involved. Hiding is a position of weakness. Only open, visible gay people can fight for their right to exist and enjoy equal rights and freedoms. I believe that if all closeted homosexual people came out, society would be forced to see the truth that we are all the same, and that love is love whether it's between opposite-sex couples or same-sex couples.

Q: Are you trying to pull people out of the church?

A: That is not my purpose. I started writing to help my family and friends understand the significant changes occurring in my life and worldview. I find it's also therapeutic for me to express myself, after living in the figurative closet for all of these years. I'm cool with people of faith holding onto their beliefs, as long as those beliefs don't attempt to enslave them or others. In a perfect world, all people would stand up with courage and take responsibility for their beliefs and lives and not settle for being spoon-fed by religious leaders by default. I do hope that, more than my words, my life can encourage those suffering under religious intolerance.

Q: Do you feel bad about the pain your decisions are causing friends and family?

A: It is certainly difficult to see the pain and embarrassment (shame) that those around me are experiencing with my decisions to leave my church and come out and live as an openly gay man. However, I tend to view these as consequences of the religious culture I've left, not as harm that I have inflicted by my choices. My evangelical friends and family must feel they have little choice but to consider me backslid and headed for hell, which has to hurt. They might also feel betrayed by me, who once aspired to live as an exemplar evangelical Christian leader. I'm sure many grapple with guilt, wondering what they might have done differently to save me from this "ruin." My new doctrinal stand might also be seen as an assault on their own foundational beliefs. And of course, some are now ashamed to be associated with me. These are indeed all tremendous disincentives for closeted Christians to come out. I sincerely regret the costs others are paying because of their love for me. Yet, I do not regret for a moment my choice to live authentically and free! Every human deserves this! I hope that in time, my loved ones will be able to work through these issues and come to better understand and respect my decisions.

Q: So where do you currently stand with God?

A: I've mentioned that I am taking a break from religion for now. This does not mean that I'm taking a break from God. I still pray. I am still reading and searching. I still want to honor and please Him. My guiding principles right now are courage, honesty, and honor. As I pursue these, I trust that God understands me and my journey better than anyone else. However, I'm much less certain that I understand Him. Much as my loved ones are trying to understand these new revelations about me, I am likewise trying to realign my understanding of who God is, in light of my new thinking about the Bible. You might say we're working on a new relationship! I believe He is patiently guiding me to a better life of wholeness and health, and I am not anxious about all the do's and don'ts I left behind with my former belief system. I am grateful for a number of new friendships with gay Christians and have asked one of them to become my mentor. I will continue to seek God's guidance as I seek "a reasonable path" to walk.

Q: Now that you're in the gay community, have you encountered the issues behind so many negative stereotypes?

A: Sure. There are problems in the gay community, just as there are many in the straight community. However, I have determined not to bring a judgmental attitude with me from my fundamentalist upbringing. I keep reminding myself that "different" does not equal "evil." (I think that that popular but misguided philosophy is rooted in religious arrogance and blind false-certainty.) My concerns with some aspects of gay culture only give me purpose to help bring positive change to bolster our standing and understanding within the larger community. I have found many of the stereotypes I was raised with to be inaccurate and unrepresentative. For example, despite what many think, male gay life is not just about sex. I see a sincere, widespread pursuit of love and commitment across much of the community. It is unfortunate that many in the straight world want to deny gay couples the benefits that society awards to straight couples for their love and commitment. I hope to do my part to facilitate health within and justice for the gay community as it continues to mature.

Pleasing, Hiding and Betrayal

The subject I'm about to address is something I've dreamed about discussing openly for decades. I am truly grateful for the courage to finally be opening up fully to all my friends and family about the issue of sexual orientation. Now, I know that merely mentioning those last words may set many in my former church on edge, but I will be tactful and discreet in my handling of this topic here.

I have been aware of an attraction to guys since my earliest adolescent days. I don't believe I was ever molested or sexually assaulted, and I do not attribute same-sex attraction to my environment growing up. It just seems that it was part of my makeup from the beginning. An early episode of exposure to an adult magazine brought to my attention the fact that it was the guys who held my interest, not the ladies. As a kid, I had no idea what this was, or was called. I just knew that no one in my world was quite like me.

As the title of this essay indicates, I am a pleaser by nature. It was always important to me to stay in a position of favor with everyone I could. In all of life's spheres, I paid attention to the rules, and did my best to follow them. At home, at school, at church. I never wanted to disappoint.

Hand in hand with being a pleaser, I was also a hider. I knew that, in order to keep everyone happy with me, I would have to hide anything that would offend or diminish their favor. Thus, when it came to my sexual orientation, I hid it, as many do. Through nearly five decades of living, I can count on one hand the number of people I had revealed my secret to. I now realize that hiding such an important part of one's life necessarily limits how close you can get to people.

Growing up in a conservative church, I never seriously considered coming out as a gay man. In our culture, it just wasn't an option if you wanted to serve God. So I chose to live as a straight man and "keep my secret sin under subjection." Those who have lived this torment can attest that this internal war can be maddening at times. My early years in college proved extremely difficult for me as I struggled against my inherent inclinations. I withdrew from my family and became depressed and even suicidal for a number of months. I ended up dropping out of my first school in failure, still hiding as much as possible from those around me.

At 20, I was quite relieved to find a godly girl who was interested in me, and for whom I felt love and physical attraction! Before we married, I disclosed my "issue" to her, and she was very gracious and reassuring about it. Though our relationship eventually failed, I shall forever be indebted to her for her love, forgiveness and faithfulness to me during our good years together.

Though I never cheated on my wife, I struggled with the gay issue throughout our marriage of 27 years. It seemed to ebb and flow in cycles, repeatedly causing me great distraction and pain. I did my best to cope, but mine was not what I would consider to be a healthy lifestyle. Internalized shame was my enemy, always lurking around every corner.

As articulated in my earlier essays, my divorce woke me to the realities of my life and set me on a path of re-examining my beliefs and their consequences. As I began to doubt the doctrine I had clung to all my life, a thought emerged that gave me hope. "If the Bible is not actually what I always believed it to be, then what it says about homosexuality may be questionable, as well." Suddenly, I was faced with a choice: I could continue hiding in a religious culture that I was finding increasingly difficult to support, or I could muster the courage to realign my spiritual beliefs and begin living authentically as a gay man. I eventually chose the latter, which leads me to the third topic in my title: betrayal.

I recognize that my recent exodus from the faith and my coming out as a gay man may cause strong feelings of betrayal in many (if not most) of my family and friends. I hope they can understand that I hid my crisis of faith over the past year out of a sense of duty to the church I served. I sincerely wanted to retire from music ministry during the summer of 2008, but decided it would be unfair to the church to leave so abruptly. Trying to hold on another 9 months proved much more difficult than I anticipated. During that time, I am sure many people detected changes in me as I began to pull away.

I also know that my sudden transparency through these essays may be shocking to many. However, it is through these writings that I am breaking free from my tendency to hide and am learning to speak candidly about my life, old and new. Now that I have chosen to live openly, I must say the fresh air is exhilarating!

Many reading this essay have perhaps already made a number of judgments about me, based on conservative religious dogma. And that is understandable. But though I am still a pleaser, my priority now is to live honestly and fully, accepting what I am without shame or hiding. I do not expect everyone to approve of my life or my choices. I do hope to show over time that I am still the same man who seeks to honor God and others. The values that have shaped my life up until now -- kindness, love, integrity, honesty, service, etc. -- will continue to guide me. It will take time, but I will find a new spiritual path, and ultimately lead a much healthier life!

Essay #4 will be a Question and Answer format where I offer my perspectives on some common topics surrounding gay life and culture and their intersection with religion. These issues have been front and center for me over the last month, and I hope to share what I've learned so far.

Issues Over Which I Choose To Reject Fundamentalism

As I discussed at length in my first essay, over the past year or so, I have gone through an internal process of self-examination. Part of this process involved taking a new look at what I believed about God, the church and religion. I eventually came to reject what I consider to be the primary tenant of fundamentalism. That would be belief in the Bible as the inerrant, inspired Word of God.

My purpose in this essay is not to debate these issues with anyone, but to explain my perspective and ongoing evolution of faith. I am describing some of the key issues I have been grappling with, in an attempt to help my friends and family better understand some of the major changes I have made in my life. Please understand that I am not judgmental toward anyone who CAN hold onto their Evangelical beliefs. It's just that, under my particular set of circumstances, I have chosen to change my outlook on the Bible and religion. My next essay (#3) will explain precisely what I'm referring to in that last sentence.

After my divorce in the spring of 2008, I decided to return to college and complete a bachelor's degree, retire from music ministry and relocate to another church. Since I knew that my current church would need advanced notice to allow time to figure out who would replace me as Music Minister, I decided to give one more year to music ministry and retire at the end of May, 2009. During this time, I began to re-examine my beliefs in earnest. As my faith in traditional Evangelical doctrine continued to erode, I found myself in the dilemma of having to lead a music team while in a state of growing spiritual uncertainty. Through this difficult time, I struggled to hold onto my traditional beliefs long enough to see my commitment through to its end. However, as I gradually disengaged from the music ministry those last months before I left, much of my former belief system collapsed.

To limit this essay to a reasonable length, I will only offer a few examples of the irreconcilable issues I have with my former doctrine.

In Essay #1 I explained my inability to reconcile the angry, warring God of the Old Testament with the loving, peaceful God of the New Testament. The Bible clearly establishes that God is "the same yesterday, today and forever." But how could God command Israel to commit genocide against entire nations, and then through Jesus and Paul, teach us to "turn the other cheek" and "live at peace with all men"? I think it is easy for people to unconsciously ignore such inconsistencies in order to maintain a conviction that the Bible does not contradict itself.

Incidentally, I also take issue with the notion of God commanding genocide in the first place. Most of us certainly are appalled by it in Rwanda and Darfur! Why would it be OK for God to do it? It seems more plausible to me that Israel could have fabricated such a command from God in order to justify their conquest of land in the Middle East.

And then there is the idea of hell as a place of eternal torment for those who sin or reject God. The Bible teaches that God is just. A quick look at the law given by God to Moses reveals a principle of justice that has been passed down to modern jurisprudence: the punishment should fit the crime. This is a key principle of civil government. Yet, I think it is easy for people to miss the significance of ETERNAL damnation! When there is NO END to the punishment, it becomes impossible for it to "fit the crime." Regardless of how bad one's offenses are during one's life on earth, there is no human sin bad enough to warrant UNENDING torture by fire! Any human who is unwilling or unable to stop severely assaulting an offender would be considered mentally unstable or insane. The notion that God does this seems irrational and unacceptable to me. To the idea that hell is simply eternal separation from God and not physical torment, I respond that, regardless of what my child has done or how badly they have hurt me, I would NEVER banish them from my presence FOREVER. That is neither just, nor civil, nor loving. Nor godly!

At this point, I am usually asked, "So what DO you believe about hell?" Frankly, I don't yet know how to respond. The topic will certainly be part of my ongoing search for a reasonable spirituality, but I have no answers for now. The only thing I'm certain about regarding religion and faith is that I'm no longer certain!

Regarding divine healing, I do not deny miraculous recoveries from sicknesses and diseases within the church. However, I would point out that according to medical science, a certain percentage of ALL illnesses report spontaneous recoveries WITHOUT prayer or spiritual intervention. My real issue with this topic resides in the notion of divine cause and effect. The Bible relates a great number of promises from God. "If you will _____, I will _____." For example, (paraphrasing) "If you ask anything in my name, according to my will, without doubting, while abiding in my favor, I will do what you ask." When we do ask and get a favorable result, we immediately attribute the success to God. Yet, when we ask but get an unfavorable result, we fall back to a number of excuse mechanisms. "Perhaps it wasn't God's will. Who are we to know what's best?" Or "It has to be in HIS timing. Just continue knocking!" Or my favorite, "God is a sovereign God. He'll do what He wishes." So my beef comes with claiming absolute cause and effect relationships, while providing a flurry of smoke and mirrors to cover the fact that they often don't seem to work. When I see friends and faithful members of my former church still suffering in pain and disease, despite YEARS of weekly prayer by the entire congregation, it brings great pause to my faith. Were NONE of these folks abiding in Christ? Were NONE of them believing without doubting? Not likely.

These are but a few of the many irreconcilable issues I have with my former doctrinal beliefs. My decision to leave my lifelong faith was not an easy one, nor a sudden one. It came as a result of asking this single question: "Is it worth it to me to ignore all of these inconsistencies, in order to continue believing this doctrine?" My answer was "no." There are more reasonable ways to believe in and serve God, and I plan to pursue them. Essay #3 will shed light on a heretofore hidden aspect of my life that provided the context I needed to make this life changing decision.

Dumping My Mystery Bag

I was raised in a very conservative Evangelical Christian church. When it came to religion and morality, my world was black and white. There were no shades of gray. There was right and wrong and no in between. What we (my church) believed was "right" and what others (the rest of the world outside our faith) believed was "wrong." We clung firmly and unwaveringly to the 'Truth' that had been revealed to us by God through the Bible. Our very identity was invested in the strong belief that we were the bearers of the Truth. The light in a dark and sinful world. The "city set on a hill."

However, despite my desire to remain faithful to the idea of an iron-clad, inerrant Truth found in the Bible, I always had questions. Questions for which I felt I'd never heard adequate answers. Oh, there were always answers offered, but not always to my satisfaction. So what is one to do with unanswered questions that could potentially undermine one's faith? Well, I was taught from the time I was a child to keep an imaginary "Mystery Bag" on my belt, into which I would put all the unanswered questions and unsolved mysteries about God, the Bible, and doctrine. This unseen container would hold onto these questions for me and when I got to heaven someday, God would answer them all to my satisfaction.

One example of an unanswered question in my Mystery Bag was my inability to reconcile actions of the God of the Old Testament with Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Specifically, how could God command the Israelis to commit genocide (systematic extermination of a race or cultural group), so they could inhabit the Promised Land? I always pictured an innocent little three-year-old Ammonite girl being slaughtered by an Israeli soldier just before he set the house on fire and moved on to the next home. Yet this is the same God who came to earth in flesh as Jesus and taught us the pacifist ideology to, "turn the other cheek." I could never quite put those two together, but this inconsistency fit into my Mystery Bag along with many others and soon faded from thought. Out of sight, out of mind.

Then one day, my world was shaken by divorce. Suddenly, my identity, my future and my faith were all in crisis. It's interesting how persistent pain can sharpen one's awareness! I realized that, to a large extent, I had been going through the motions without really living! I began to allow myself to question. Who am I? Where am I headed? What have I accomplished? What do I really believe?

Out came my imaginary Mystery Bag, and I dumped the contents onto the table for reconsideration. For the first time, I was taking a step back and objectively examining my beliefs as a whole. In effect, my Mystery Bag had become a switch to disengage reason. The definition of "faith" is believing that which cannot be proven. However, one should have some sort of reasonable basis for accepting doctrine by faith. If, taken as a whole, one's beliefs are incongruent and contradictory, it's time for change. (Note: Essay #2 will explain more of the questions and issues I had carried in my Mystery Bag.)

I started reading other materials and perspectives on faith and the Bible and occasionally found other world views to be refreshing and more reasonable than those that I had held. Eventually, I came to reject the tenants of fundamentalism that I had believed all my life. Now I see how unreasonable it was of me to always be so certain about matters of faith which, by definition, cannot be proven one way or the other! I no longer view the Bible as the inerrant Word of God to be taken literally, but as a great work of men that contains many valuable lessons of character and civility.

After all, to believe in the Bible as the inerrant Word of God, we always had to take men's word on it. Someone said, "Trust me. God spoke to a man long, long ago, and told him what I'm writing down now." Then later someone else said, "Trust us. These particular manuscripts are the Word of God and belong in the Bible, and all of those over there are not." And today others are saying, "Trust us. This is what the words in the Bible mean and what you need to do to please God." All of that is no longer good enough for me in light of the contents of my Mystery Bag.

I had already been planning to retire from music ministry and leave my church, but I began to realize that my religious life after that was now far less certain. I decided that, rather than immediately begin searching for a new doctrinal framework and church home, I would take a break from religion altogether. This is where I am, as of this writing. I must develop a new foundation before I can begin rebuilding my new faith. It will come in time. But this time, I'll have my intellect engaged, and I'll be leaving my empty Mystery Bag behind.

My focus these days is to try to live honestly, courageously, and with kindness toward others. I realize that many of those who have known me all my life may be surprised by the remarkable changes in my world view. My hope is that, by living true to my values, my life can be a blessing to those who are touched by it.