Words for the Wise: Conformity

"When others demand that we become the people they want us to be, they force us to destroy the person we really are. It's a subtle kind of murder. The most loving parents and relatives commit this murder with smiles on their faces."

Jim Morrison

Shedding Shirts and Shame

When I start to explain to new friends just how conservative the religion I grew up in was, it almost makes me start laughing. Their reactions are priceless! But it really does help people see just how far my philosophical pendulum has swung, going from the far right of "right-wing conservative" to where I live now: the gay community. Wow!

For those who don't know, let me describe the culture in which I was raised.

Modesty was not only important, it was our "badge" of honor. The denomination I'm talking about is known for its standards. The ladies bore the brunt of it, but we all contributed. The women did not cut their hair or wear makeup - at all. They did not wear slacks (considered to be "men's apparel") and their dresses had to be modest. Interpretation: high neckline, sleeves to elbows, hem below knees, and not tight fitting. And no other clothing that was more revealing than that. And they wore nylons all the time. Yes, even on canoe trips!

The men had their hair cut short and no facial hair. Sleeves to elbows, no shorts above knees. No tight clothing, either. Neither sex wore jewelry nor tattoos or other piercings. Men were not to go shirtless in public. No "mixed bathing" in public. That is, no hot tubs, pools, beaches, or swimming with members of the opposite sex who were not immediate family. We didn't drink liquor or smoke. We didn't have TVs in our homes or go to movie theaters. We didn't bowl, or dance or skate in roller rinks. No competitive sports, either. And we discouraged folks from listening to "secular" radio, too. Bad influence.

We were "in the world, but separated from the world." So when I say, "conservative," I mean CON-SER-VA-TIVE! (Smile.) This is how I was raised. And this is how I raised my children. (So you can understand how difficult the changes I've made in my life are for them to process now!)

So now that I have rejected fundamentalism and the conservative evangelical view of the Bible, I feel like Rip Van Winkle, waking up from a 50 year sleep and experiencing the world for the first time! I feel like a baby in many ways. And, amusing as this may sound, I have been keeping a "Firsts List." I can tell you the date I first "came out" as gay to a stranger. Or the first time I took a guy on a date.

Here's the latest big "first" for me: Last Saturday, I went jogging without a shirt for the first time! That milestone may seem inconsequential to most people, but my long-time friends and family might actually find themselves shocked or saddened by this news. I decided to write this into my blog, because it was a step for me in my process of rejecting shame.

It was interesting, all the thoughts that went through my head as I decided and then prepared to do this. I had recently mowed my grass without a shirt for the first time several weeks ago. That was a big (and difficult!) first step for me, but this was different. Now I was actually going to go shirtless out in public. Away from the privacy of my own yard and neighborhood.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the body I'd like. Particularly for a gay man. It's pretty important in this culture. So I'm working on it. But I wrestled with the question, "Do I wait to go shirtless until I have a chest I'm proud to show, or do I go shirtless as a motivation to work on my body?" I chose the latter. Yes, I have a few stubborn extra pounds around the middle that won't seem to go away, regardless of how I eat. According to my reading, I'm going to have to gain some muscle in my chest and arms in order to lose the extra pounds around the middle. Muscle burns more calories than fat. Problem is, I have just never worked out to the point of actually having much muscle in my upper body. But now that I'm over 40, my body naturally loses more muscle mass every year, unless I work at it. So I'm trying, but it seems that discipline and consistency are in short supply sometimes!

Anyway, I didn't think that running without a shirt would make passersby throw up at the sight, so I went. And I found it to be a great experience! I know everyone is dying to know this, but here are the benefits (that I thought of as I was running) that come with running shirtless:

1. The breeze feels great on one's skin! It was definitely cooler than wearing a shirt.

2. I was able to boost my vitamin D, which is made by the skin when exposed to the sun. And vitamin D helps ward off depression.

3. The sun will tan my chest, which - now that I'm dating again - will come in handy at some point.

4. The mild exhibitionism was a boost to my self confidence. I'm OK with my body, thank you.

5. It gave me something to write about in my blog. (Actually, I didn't think about that until later.)

I must also report that someone honked at me as I was running, but I didn't see who it was. So, whoever you are, I beat you to the draw and published this to the world before you got a chance to start a rumor!

Thinking back to my blog theme, A Reasonable Path, I think that not feeling shame about one's body is healthier than always worrying about being modest. I believe that suppressing our sexuality makes us imbalanced by either making us obsess about sex and the forbidden, or by making us asexual (not sexual at all). Both are unhealthy. Obvioiusly, God created us to be sexual beings. I also believe He is pleased when we experience that amazing part of our lives with another human being, within the context of respect and honor.

So as I continue to work through this transition from ultra-conservative to moderate liberal, I'll continue to shed some unhealthy things from my past. This time, it was my shirt!

Words for the Wise: Puritanism

"Puritanism... helps us enjoy our misery while we are inflicting it on others."

Marcel Ophuls

Dogmatism and Tolerance: Remix

I once read that humans share about 60% of our genes with bananas. The percentage goes much higher when comparing us with mammals and other animals. And yet among humans, our DNA can vary as widely as 12% between each other! It's amazing how closely we are related to all other life on earth, even though we consider ourselves to be so much different than, say, bats or snails.

An interesting realization came to me after I filed the paperwork to begin the process of divorcing my wife of 26 years. When we had married so many years earlier, we had shared the belief that divorce would never be an option for us. No exit doors in our thinking. Being devout evangelicals, we adhered to Jesus' teaching that divorce was inappropriate, except in cases of adultery. But now that our marriage had fallen apart, and yet neither of us had been unfaithful, I had resigned myself to the life of heartache and misery that lay ahead with a woman who no longer wanted to be married to me. However, once I moved beyond that doctrine and accepted that God did not want us to live in such hell, I went ahead and filed.

Then it hit me: I would soon be among the ranks of the divorced! Wow! And that is when the realization came that I had harbored an internal bias against divorcees all my life. Somehow, I had come to look down upon those who "just didn't have the commitment to ride out the storms" that every married couple eventually faces. I don't believe I ever verbalized this stigma to anyone else, but it was there in my heart. I pitied them. Felt sorry for them. Even felt better than them. And now this prejudice was causing me shame, because I was soon to be in this category myself! I had to repent to God for how I had been unknowingly judging this group of people unjustly! I was never better than them. I simply had no understanding of their perspective.

Several years prior to that, I had quietly joined a chapter of Sexaholics Anonymous in the Detroit area. For an entire year, I secretly attended weekly meetings with men who struggled trying to find a balance with their sexuality. Of course, for me, I was trying to "fix" my gayness, which I now see was quite silly. I was not addicted to sex, I was simply obsessing over the inherent sexual orientation that I was trying to deny and hide. During those meetings, I met rapists, sex offenders, and child molesters, and discovered that they were men who were just like me. Just a step or two (or many steps, in some cases) farther down the road of dysfunction than I. They were husbands, fathers and brothers who loved their families like I did, and did not want to harm them or anyone else. They had simply lost their way and needed help. Like me.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because we are all much more like each other than we realize most of the time. When it comes to religion, it is so easy for us to get locked into the "us vs. them" mentality, and demonize folks who have a different perspective than ours. But all of us share the same "spiritual DNA." Conservative evangelicals struggle with their sexuality, relationships, depression and failure just as much as atheists, Buddhists, or liberal Christians. We share so much in common, why focus on our differences and fight? Despite what the Apostle Paul taught, I just can't believe that God is pleased when we argue, judge, condemn, and attempt to proselytize each other! I say that "contending for the faith" is neither healthy nor godly! It's divisive, arrogant, and unkind! Dogmatism, like racism, sexism and homophobia, is assuming superiority over others, whom you are actually just like, though you may not realize it.

Conservative televangelists and Republican political leaders who are caught doing the very things that they publicly condemn are prime examples of how dogmatism fails us. It turns us into hypocrites and frauds. And it can eventually severely damage or destroy our reputations and lives. The great news is that you have the power to choose your own path! Choose compassion over judgment, and humility over arrogance! Choose reasonable doubt over blind certainty! Choose tolerance over dogmatism.

Next time you see or peel a banana, think how much we share with all living things around us. And then remember that our enemies are not those who disagree with us. Our enemies are the unreasonable dogmas that demand we fight.

Dogmatism and Tolerance

When whites assume an inherent racial superiority over blacks, and believe it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm people of color, we call it racism and denounce it.

When men assume an inherent physical and/or mental superiority over women, and believe it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm them, we call it sexism and denounce it.

When straight society assumes an inherent natural superiority over homosexuals, and believes it entitles them the right to oppress, belittle or harm gays/lesbians, we call it homophobia and denounce it.

SIMILARLY, when religious conservatives assume an inherent moral superiority over non-religious people or people of other faiths, and believe it entitles them the right to judge, belittle or condemn them, I call it dogmatism and denounce it, too!

In a recent post on this blog, I mentioned the cultural conflict between religious conservatives and secular (and other) activists over morality in America. One myth that I feel adds to the animosity of the debate is the assertion that the Bible is mankind's only foundation for morality. Evangelicals teach and preach to the faithful that the Bible - as interpreted by conservatives, by the way - is the only valid basis for human civility and character. Without it, the argument goes, mankind inevitably slides into uncontrolled degeneracy and chaos. Truth is, the good in humanity that religious conservatives like to claim originates from the Word of God, was certainly found in society long before the Bible existed. Unconditional love, honesty, self-sacrifice, cooperation, generosity, respect. These human qualities all predate King James' literary legacy!

Dogmatism can be found in sermons like one I once heard where the preacher was admonishing weak Christians to hold onto God and stay in the church, regardless of how they felt. To add weight to this "encouragement," the warning was added that, once they've left the church, people lose their moral compasses, fall into sin, their finances and relationships become cursed and fail, and their lives generally fall apart without God. Again, the basic assumption is that the Bible is the only stable foundation for people, societies and governments to build upon. As the hymn goes, "all other ground is sinking sand."

Yes, there is anecdotal evidence of former church-goers leaving their faith and falling into a downward spiral of shame and failure. However, I would argue that these cases can be attributed to the breakdown of the individuals' self-respect, and not to a neglect of spiritual discipline. People who still believe in the high religious standards they've been taught, but give up trying to attain them, can fall into a self-fulfilling collapse of self-esteem. This incongruity - believing, but not obeying - can negatively change how people view themselves and set them up to expect all sorts of bad things as a result.

My answer to this syndrome, of course, is to alter one's behavior by changing one's beliefs, and not just give up trying to live the unattainable standards.

When I first came out, my new gay/lesbian friends were intrigued that I had never been with a guy before. It was a decision that I had made, not to do so until after I had left music ministry and the church. However, several friends warned me that I might encounter potentially strong feelings of guilt and/or shame once I started dating men. Apparently, a common experience for most. For me, that did not turn out to be the case at all. I believe it was because, by the time I began dating, I had already dealt with the source of shame and guilt, my traditional conservative beliefs. I had worked through changing my theology and had come to a new understanding of the Bible and God. I knew that He had made me as I am, and did not have to be ashamed. Once I had cast off the unhealthy traditions and biases of men, they had no power over me. Today, I live in peace and thankfulness for my new found life and freedom!

The notion that humans do not have the capacity for morality outside of belief in God is simply a myth. Humans have a God-given capacity to discern good from evil outside of any religious framework. For example, we intuitively know that stealing is wrong because we wouldn't want our own stuff stolen. It's just common sense. I now have a number of atheist/agnostic friends - gay and straight - who are moral, honorable people. They are honest, kind, loving, generous, understanding, reasonable and conscientious. It is obvious that children can be raised as moral people, without influence from religion. We see it all the time. I am not saying that religious influence is always bad, quite the contrary! But I am saying that non-religious people can be and usually are just as moral as religious folks. And conversely, people of faith can be (and often are) just as immoral as people without faith!

Religions perpetrate an evil within society when they teach followers that their brand of godliness is the only source of good, and all else is bad. Whether taught from the Bible, the Koran, or any other holy writings, this malicious doctrine is the source of wars, genocide, hatred, bigotry and much other evil in our world.

I believe that the prejudice many Christians exhibit toward non-religious people is just as wrong as racism. How much better off we would all be if everyone respected others' beliefs and choices with tolerance and goodwill! Live what you believe, but also give the rest of the world the right to do the same unharassed. We don't all have to agree, but for God's sake, let's all be agreeable!

Words for the Wise: Living

"Live well. It is the greatest revenge."

The Talmud

Diversity, the Bible, and Reason

Have you ever considered how each of us views the writings of Christian scripture through our own personal filter? Many do not view the separate books within the collection we call "The Bible" as if they were actually that - separate books written by a diverse group of writers - but rather as merely separations within a large work, written by God Himself. We tend to see what we want to see, and we tend to overlook what we don't wish to see.

This "merging filter" helps some of us maintain the view (illusion?) that all of the writings - and therefore, writers - agree consistently. Truth is, they don't. For instance, scholars have noted that the writer of the Gospel of Mark had a very different perspective on the nature of Christ than did the writer of the Gospel of Luke, based on the earliest manuscripts available.

When I consider the Biblical scholars that I know personally, they are not that diverse of a group. In fact, the vast majority of them are white, middle-class working American males, just like me. Yet, despite the monolithic nature of this group, if you got them all together in a room to discuss theology, you would find that they disagree to varying degrees on virtually everything. For example, some would believe in a literal hell of flaming, eternal torment. Some would explain hell only as separation from God, while others would argue that hell is simply a figurative metaphor. Still others might say that the wicked simply cease to exist after they die. You would find that their opinions vary on everything from the purpose of man to the nature of salvation and the end of the world. Most of us can't even agree on the details or meaning of current events and recent history!

It reminds me of the joke where two Baptists were stranded on a deserted island. It wasn't long until they had founded the First Baptist Church and the Second Baptist Church! We humans like our independence, especially when it comes to matters of faith!

Wouldn't it be interesting to get all of the writers of the Bible together in a room to discuss religion! What would their various viewpoints be on the nature of God? Or the workings of the spirit world, angels and demons? They were a very diverse group from different regions, classes and eras, spanning many centuries. I guarantee you their opinions would vary just as much as yours and mine do!

Recognizing that the writers, copyists, compilers, editors and publishers of the Bible were human in no way undermines the significance or importance of their work. Personally, I do not question any of their motives or honesty. However, I believe that they were subject to the same human weaknesses that we all have: the propensity to exaggerate, embellish, or remember events incorrectly, or to adjust the "facts" (consciously or unconsciously) to bring them in line with one's own thinking. I believe that some of them had issues with drinking, domestic violence, sexism and bigotry. In other words, they weren't perfect! Nor were their writings.

I used to believe that the hand of God guided the writing, compilation and editing of the Bible so that the King James Version came to us precisely as God intended. Then I read the history of how New Testament writings were reproduced in the early centuries of the Church. Much was revised by copyists to bring the gospels and other books into rough agreement with each other. Further, most of the Bible was not written contemporaneously with the events described, but years - often decades - later by men to whom the stories had been passed down orally. Sometimes over several generations. How accurate (or inaccurate) might you be if you tried to write a detailed account of an event that happened ten or twenty years ago? Would you want people's salvation dependent on you getting it correct? I wouldn't!

My concern with all of this is that some people take these writings, which have been vulnerable to significant human errors, bias and tampering through the years, and give them the distinction of being the "Inerrant Word of God." It seems reasonable to me that, if God had truly planned to give men a divine written law, He would have used a process much less subject to man's weakness and corruption.

My belief is that the Bible is a collection of writings by men who believed in and revered God. These writings contain many truths about God and human nature, but have been turned into something not intended by God: a divine rule book that men have used to sanction their efforts to control and oppress others. This is possible because the writings of the Bible also reflect the darker side of man's nature, including greed, racism, sexism and homophobia.

Only as we comprehend what the Bible truly is - and not what religious authorities, who stand to gain from their own teachings, say it is - can we separate out the godly from the ungodly and realign our living with the true character of God. We must reject whatever traditions of men contradict the revealed nature of God. That is my approach. We must use God's love, peace and justice as our standard to discern and implement the good from the Bible. And I believe that this process should be simple and reasonable, without need of a hundred twisted excuses to explain away obvious contradictions.

The diversity of ideas within the Bible is a testament to the inspired, creative intellect that God has bestowed upon mankind. But we must also use our own God-given intellects to contextualize scripture if we are to free ourselves from the unhealthy traditions of men.

Words for the Wise: Congruence

"It is often easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."

Adlai Stevenson Jr.

A Culture of Conflict

If I were asked to choose a single emotion to describe how I feel after leaving the strong fundamentalist religion in which I was raised and coming out as a gay man, I would have to choose the word...

relief!

Not just relief from resolving the internal turmoil from hiding my inherent sexual preference for men all those years. And not just relief from the guilt of failing to live up to unattainable religious standards -- like never praying "enough," or fasting "enough" for that matter. Come to think of it, I never could read my Bible or witness "enough," either. (I can remember a former pastor once telling us in a sermon that he had spent many, many hours in prayer that last week, and still felt he'd not prayed "enough." How is that supposed to make us feel?!!) And the list goes on. But the relief from stepping off of the religious treadmill is not what I'm talking about either, though that is significant.

No, the relief I'm feeling is the joy from leaving a culture of conflict.

I cannot imagine what it is like to live in a war-torn country like Iraq or Afghanistan, with religious fanatics who will blow themselves up for their cause! Where innocent people die everyday for no good reason, other than for some extremist leader to have made some senseless political point. Such a waste of human creativity and life!

Further, I cannot imagine the relief experienced by those who leave that turmoil to live in Europe or America. To step from a plane and realize that all the strife, worry and hatred are gone! It must be amazing! But perhaps also feeling sad about those left behind in the conflict zone.

I believe that it is not unreasonable to draw a comparison between a conflict zone and the cultures of conflict that exist in many strongly conservative religious organizations. I realize that not all Christian denominations follow the "culture of conflict" model, but my former church did.

What I'm referring to is a religious model where you have multiple figurative battles raging all of the time. Much of the basis for these conflicts originate from the writings of the Apostle Paul, who seemed keen on war as a metaphor.

You have the internal "war" within each of us, where our carnal man (or woman) fights with our spiritual man (or woman) for control of our souls. We have the battle between those in the church who hold onto the "Truth" and those within the church who compromise and settle for false doctrine and error. Then there is the war between the church and the world, where souls are being snatched from the lake of fire by the efforts of Christian soldiers witnessing to their friends and family members. Then there is the culture war taking place within nations like the U.S. where folks of faith organize to oppose godless sinners who want to purge our government and society of all traces of God, religion and decency. (At least, that's how conservatives put it.) And of course, we have the global struggle between the spirit of Anti-Christ and God's Church, which will culminate in the great battle of Armageddon at the end of our age.

The religious culture of conflict serves a number of useful purposes.

• It gives the religious organization a purpose for existence.
• It creates a "cause" for which leaders can motivate their members to give of their time, money and resources.
• It identifies common enemies, against which the church can unify its members.
• It gives religious leaders leverage to exert control and influence over their congregants.

However, this culture of conflict also has a number of other less desirable consequences.

• It rewards extremists and causes imbalance in many people's lives. Those who fast, pray, study and witness the most are the ones with the most spiritual clout, but are also often out of balance personally and socially. I have seen several extremely passionate evangelists who saw demons lurking around every corner, whose personal lives ended up becoming figurative train wrecks of tragedy.
• It wears out common people who grow tired of the relentless struggles. Battle fatigue among religious conservatives can take a tremendous mental and emotional toll.
• It fosters an "us vs. them" mentality that infects the ranks of the faithful. When everything is black and white (i.e., everything must be categorized as either "good" or "bad"), people get used to thinking in those absolute terms all the time and end up turning on each other. What I would call a mild form of ideological paranoia can make it easy for people to demonize and attack each other for political and personal reasons. It can get ugly.
• It incubates the creation of all kinds of enemies. When one gets tired of fighting the same old foes day after day, what does one do? You go make some new enemies! From the "spirit of overspending" to the "demon of homosexuality," there is no shortage of enemies to be concerned about. If one wants to combat a particular trend or idea within the church, just name it a demon and you've got a skirmish started!
• It gives a bad name to Christianity. Those outside the conservative fundamentalist ranks take issue with people of faith trying to dictate other people's lives by trying to legislate morality and limit others' choices and options. It reminds me of the bumper sticker, "God, protect me from your followers!"
• It hardens otherwise peaceful people and enables them to condone real wars in the name of religious values. It amazes me that among the conflicts between America vs. Muslim extremists and Arabs vs. Israel, all parties claim that God is on their side! And with all the hype about Biblical prophesy and the "end times," war in the middle east could likely end up a self-fulfilling prophesy!

Having stepped out of this culture of devout dissonance, my question is, "Why?" Why do we have to always be fighting something? Fighting ourselves. Fighting our brothers and sisters. Fighting our neighbors and countrymen. Fighting the world. War is a bad thing, not a good thing! If you don't believe me, ask an Iraqi!

Yes, the Bible was written in ages when war was constant. Fighting for survival was a fact of life for most people. But isn't it time that we mature as people and come to civility and peace? Peace with who we are individually. Peace with the notion that "different" does not equal "evil." Contentment that not everyone has to think or believe like me in order for me to respect them or their way of living. Why can't we just "live and let live"?

I think the answer to that last question is: control. War is all about control. But that leads to another question: "Who sanctioned conservative evangelicals to be in control?" By definition, "faith" is believing something which cannot be proven. No one can prove that their understanding of the Bible gives them authority to rule the world. When did we cross over from personal relationships with God to religious imperialism? That's what I call the arrogant belief that, "We are right, everyone else is wrong, and we're going to fight for control so everyone else can be corrected." What an exhausting mandate!

How much good could Christians do if we simply channeled all the energy we spent fighting into efforts like ending homelessness and hunger? What if people stopped judging everyone else and simply tried to live at peace and help their neighbors unconditionally? Talk about changing our world! I think that is more what God has in mind for us, and that's certainly what I want for myself!

So I'm going to take a stab at proselytizing my long-time friends and family and say, "Hey, step out of the war zone and into true peace! The relief is amazing!"

Words for the Wise: Diversity

"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity."

John F. Kennedy

Identities and Choices

Today the U.S. Senate began hearings on the confirmation of the first Latina to the U.S. Supreme Court, nominated by our first African-American President. Some are pointing out that -- finally -- the power structure of the U.S. seems to be slowly changing to more accurately reflect our nation's cultural identity. I would agree that this is a good thing, and add that President Obama's election itself signifies movement in our ideological identity, as well. There are lots of changes at work in our society these days, and many of them are for the better!

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you'll know that as an individual, I too am personally undergoing many changes in my life at this time. I've spent the last three quarters of my life in the figurative closet, hiding my sexual orientation within a very conservative religious culture. Thus, the greater part of my identity was invested in my role as an evangelical Christian leader. Since having recently left that worldview and coming out as a gay man, one central question I have been pondering is, "Who am I now?"

Identity. It's how we view ourselves. How we define our place and meaning in the world. It affects our confidence, our standing in the larger community, and ultimately, our legacy once we're gone. But what is it, and can it be changed?

Let's imagine two friends are chatting about a new acquaintance, and one asks the other, "Who is she?" How should the other answer? What constitutes one's identity? Is it where we were born? Where we went to school, or work or live? Could it be our families or friendships? How about our skills, character, personality or accomplishments? Is it what we own or our bodies and DNA inherited at birth? Or possibly our interests, activities or hobbies? And how about our beliefs, priorities and preferences?

I would suggest that all of the above are facets of our identities. Some parts may be changed, but others may not. For example, I grew up in a Pentecostal church and dedicated myself to that ideology up until the spring of 2009. Though I am no longer a "Pentecostal," I will always be an "ex-Pentecostal" now, unless I should return to that faith again. I cannot change that. My strong religious upbringing and experiences will always be there in my past. Thankfully, I consider many of those experiences as being positive for my personal development. Sure, I can add something new to my identity, like "Presbyterian," but that still won't negate my past.

As I continue on through this period of drastic change in my life, I occasionally feel the urge to move beyond seeing myself as "ex-this" or "ex-that" and chart a new path to walk. However, I must remember that I am growing out of some things and into others. Just as a beautiful plant can spring out of dead, decaying vegetation from the past, my new life can build upon aspects of my former lifestyle (i.e., prior to coming out) and be stronger because of those experiences.

I believe that it is our CHOICES that hold our potential to change our identities. Like where we invest our money, time and talent. How we choose to spend our days and with whom. Whether we reach out to help others or stay focused inward. Our attitudes towards our past, others and change.

If our decisions are indeed the key, then each of us possesses the opportunity and privilege to change who we are by adjusting our choices in life. Of course, this is often easier said than done. We all tend to fall into routines and patterns of choices that can be difficult to alter. Society can also bring pressure to bear from multiple directions, trying to influence and/or limit our decisions. And I will be the first to confirm the pain that this pressure can inflict and the courage it takes to stand against it. But the stand is worth taking because the stakes are tremendously high. Life's alternatives hold the power to make us wildly successful or bring our demise, though they most often land us somewhere between the two.

So I'm thinking that living well comes largely from making great decisions. And making great decisions comes from thinking (which most of us don't do very much of) and getting good advice. The writing I have been doing, both online and via email with many of my new and long-time friends, has certainly been spurring me to think more than I ever have before. And my new-found freedom to openly discuss my sexuality, beliefs and life alternatives has broadened and deepened my dialogue with everyone around me. Together, I believe these factors (i.e., more thinking and communication) will help me make better choices to secure a better identity and to live a better life in the future.

One might ask whether I presented a false identity while living as a straight man all those years. I would answer, not false, but conflicted. Although I have been aware of an attraction to guys from early adolescence, my emotional love for my wife enabled me to live and function as a married heterosexual man. However, the internal conflict always raged within me. Prayer and scriptural meditation do not change one's God-given sexual orientation. They only help to cope with the pain of hiding a conflicted identity. Now that I have resolved that conflict, I experience peace, joy and freedom in a new way that I never had before. I know some of my Pentecostal friends and family may take issue with that last statement, but it is true nonetheless!

I may still be in the process of confirming my changing personal identity, but just like Sonia Sotomayor's case, my prospects are quite hopeful! Thankfully, neither the Senate nor any other group has a vote! The 'Pleaser' in me is finally surrendering to the 'Adult.'

Going forward, I hope to continue to think and rethink life's issues and alternatives, seek lots of advice from those I trust, make good choices, live authentically, and find an identity and life that I can be proud of in the end! This is the "reasonable path" for me.

Words for the Wise: Independence

"Believe nothing on the faith of traditions, even though they have been held in honor for many generations and in many places. Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it. Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past. Do not believe what you yourself have imagined, persuading yourself that a God inspires you. Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests. After examination, believe what you yourself have tested and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto."

Gautama Buddha

Questions & Answers

Q: Are you as anti-God and anti-Bible as your first essays seem to indicate?

A: I am not at all against God, nor the Bible, though it may appear that way to those who hold the fundamentalist perspective. It's just that I view God and the Bible differently than I did before. I now see the Bible as divinely inspired, but not the "inerrant Word of God." My experience with the human weaknesses of modern "spokespersons" for God tells me that the writers and editors of the Bible were similarly flawed. Man tends to "create God in his own image." To believe in the absolute authority of the Bible, one must (consciously or unconsciously) ignore and/or explain away many contradictions and problematic issues. While I believe that no collection of writings can match the wisdom and truth contained in the Bible, I believe it also contains corrupted and ungodly philosophies of men, like slavery, the subjugation of women, and religious imperialism that must be rejected. Glean the good and leave the bad. This change in my view of the Bible has altered my view of God, as well. I no longer accept men's teachings that claim a divine mandate for such evils as war, genocide and homophobia. On the latter point, I believe that God is love, and honors love and commitment between all individuals, in any form, despite man's prejudices and phobias.

Q: Why do you feel the need to come out so publicly as gay?

A: Straight people do not need to talk about their sexual orientation because it is the cultural default. Everyone takes for granted that heterosexuality is the unspoken norm. Straight individuals never think twice about mentioning a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband in conversation, nor about displaying affection in public. However, society exerts tremendous pressure on gay and lesbian people to hide and even deny their sexuality. When homosexuals mention a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, they are accused of "flaunting" their sexuality. Public displays of affection are considered shameful and "in your face." This subtle double standard gets exponentially worse where religion is involved. Hiding is a position of weakness. Only open, visible gay people can fight for their right to exist and enjoy equal rights and freedoms. I believe that if all closeted homosexual people came out, society would be forced to see the truth that we are all the same, and that love is love whether it's between opposite-sex couples or same-sex couples.

Q: Are you trying to pull people out of the church?

A: That is not my purpose. I started writing to help my family and friends understand the significant changes occurring in my life and worldview. I find it's also therapeutic for me to express myself, after living in the figurative closet for all of these years. I'm cool with people of faith holding onto their beliefs, as long as those beliefs don't attempt to enslave them or others. In a perfect world, all people would stand up with courage and take responsibility for their beliefs and lives and not settle for being spoon-fed by religious leaders by default. I do hope that, more than my words, my life can encourage those suffering under religious intolerance.

Q: Do you feel bad about the pain your decisions are causing friends and family?

A: It is certainly difficult to see the pain and embarrassment (shame) that those around me are experiencing with my decisions to leave my church and come out and live as an openly gay man. However, I tend to view these as consequences of the religious culture I've left, not as harm that I have inflicted by my choices. My evangelical friends and family must feel they have little choice but to consider me backslid and headed for hell, which has to hurt. They might also feel betrayed by me, who once aspired to live as an exemplar evangelical Christian leader. I'm sure many grapple with guilt, wondering what they might have done differently to save me from this "ruin." My new doctrinal stand might also be seen as an assault on their own foundational beliefs. And of course, some are now ashamed to be associated with me. These are indeed all tremendous disincentives for closeted Christians to come out. I sincerely regret the costs others are paying because of their love for me. Yet, I do not regret for a moment my choice to live authentically and free! Every human deserves this! I hope that in time, my loved ones will be able to work through these issues and come to better understand and respect my decisions.

Q: So where do you currently stand with God?

A: I've mentioned that I am taking a break from religion for now. This does not mean that I'm taking a break from God. I still pray. I am still reading and searching. I still want to honor and please Him. My guiding principles right now are courage, honesty, and honor. As I pursue these, I trust that God understands me and my journey better than anyone else. However, I'm much less certain that I understand Him. Much as my loved ones are trying to understand these new revelations about me, I am likewise trying to realign my understanding of who God is, in light of my new thinking about the Bible. You might say we're working on a new relationship! I believe He is patiently guiding me to a better life of wholeness and health, and I am not anxious about all the do's and don'ts I left behind with my former belief system. I am grateful for a number of new friendships with gay Christians and have asked one of them to become my mentor. I will continue to seek God's guidance as I seek "a reasonable path" to walk.

Q: Now that you're in the gay community, have you encountered the issues behind so many negative stereotypes?

A: Sure. There are problems in the gay community, just as there are many in the straight community. However, I have determined not to bring a judgmental attitude with me from my fundamentalist upbringing. I keep reminding myself that "different" does not equal "evil." (I think that that popular but misguided philosophy is rooted in religious arrogance and blind false-certainty.) My concerns with some aspects of gay culture only give me purpose to help bring positive change to bolster our standing and understanding within the larger community. I have found many of the stereotypes I was raised with to be inaccurate and unrepresentative. For example, despite what many think, male gay life is not just about sex. I see a sincere, widespread pursuit of love and commitment across much of the community. It is unfortunate that many in the straight world want to deny gay couples the benefits that society awards to straight couples for their love and commitment. I hope to do my part to facilitate health within and justice for the gay community as it continues to mature.