Dumping My Mystery Bag

I was raised in a very conservative Evangelical Christian church. When it came to religion and morality, my world was black and white. There were no shades of gray. There was right and wrong and no in between. What we (my church) believed was "right" and what others (the rest of the world outside our faith) believed was "wrong." We clung firmly and unwaveringly to the 'Truth' that had been revealed to us by God through the Bible. Our very identity was invested in the strong belief that we were the bearers of the Truth. The light in a dark and sinful world. The "city set on a hill."

However, despite my desire to remain faithful to the idea of an iron-clad, inerrant Truth found in the Bible, I always had questions. Questions for which I felt I'd never heard adequate answers. Oh, there were always answers offered, but not always to my satisfaction. So what is one to do with unanswered questions that could potentially undermine one's faith? Well, I was taught from the time I was a child to keep an imaginary "Mystery Bag" on my belt, into which I would put all the unanswered questions and unsolved mysteries about God, the Bible, and doctrine. This unseen container would hold onto these questions for me and when I got to heaven someday, God would answer them all to my satisfaction.

One example of an unanswered question in my Mystery Bag was my inability to reconcile actions of the God of the Old Testament with Jesus Christ in the New Testament. Specifically, how could God command the Israelis to commit genocide (systematic extermination of a race or cultural group), so they could inhabit the Promised Land? I always pictured an innocent little three-year-old Ammonite girl being slaughtered by an Israeli soldier just before he set the house on fire and moved on to the next home. Yet this is the same God who came to earth in flesh as Jesus and taught us the pacifist ideology to, "turn the other cheek." I could never quite put those two together, but this inconsistency fit into my Mystery Bag along with many others and soon faded from thought. Out of sight, out of mind.

Then one day, my world was shaken by divorce. Suddenly, my identity, my future and my faith were all in crisis. It's interesting how persistent pain can sharpen one's awareness! I realized that, to a large extent, I had been going through the motions without really living! I began to allow myself to question. Who am I? Where am I headed? What have I accomplished? What do I really believe?

Out came my imaginary Mystery Bag, and I dumped the contents onto the table for reconsideration. For the first time, I was taking a step back and objectively examining my beliefs as a whole. In effect, my Mystery Bag had become a switch to disengage reason. The definition of "faith" is believing that which cannot be proven. However, one should have some sort of reasonable basis for accepting doctrine by faith. If, taken as a whole, one's beliefs are incongruent and contradictory, it's time for change. (Note: Essay #2 will explain more of the questions and issues I had carried in my Mystery Bag.)

I started reading other materials and perspectives on faith and the Bible and occasionally found other world views to be refreshing and more reasonable than those that I had held. Eventually, I came to reject the tenants of fundamentalism that I had believed all my life. Now I see how unreasonable it was of me to always be so certain about matters of faith which, by definition, cannot be proven one way or the other! I no longer view the Bible as the inerrant Word of God to be taken literally, but as a great work of men that contains many valuable lessons of character and civility.

After all, to believe in the Bible as the inerrant Word of God, we always had to take men's word on it. Someone said, "Trust me. God spoke to a man long, long ago, and told him what I'm writing down now." Then later someone else said, "Trust us. These particular manuscripts are the Word of God and belong in the Bible, and all of those over there are not." And today others are saying, "Trust us. This is what the words in the Bible mean and what you need to do to please God." All of that is no longer good enough for me in light of the contents of my Mystery Bag.

I had already been planning to retire from music ministry and leave my church, but I began to realize that my religious life after that was now far less certain. I decided that, rather than immediately begin searching for a new doctrinal framework and church home, I would take a break from religion altogether. This is where I am, as of this writing. I must develop a new foundation before I can begin rebuilding my new faith. It will come in time. But this time, I'll have my intellect engaged, and I'll be leaving my empty Mystery Bag behind.

My focus these days is to try to live honestly, courageously, and with kindness toward others. I realize that many of those who have known me all my life may be surprised by the remarkable changes in my world view. My hope is that, by living true to my values, my life can be a blessing to those who are touched by it.