Pleasing, Hiding and Betrayal

The subject I'm about to address is something I've dreamed about discussing openly for decades. I am truly grateful for the courage to finally be opening up fully to all my friends and family about the issue of sexual orientation. Now, I know that merely mentioning those last words may set many in my former church on edge, but I will be tactful and discreet in my handling of this topic here.

I have been aware of an attraction to guys since my earliest adolescent days. I don't believe I was ever molested or sexually assaulted, and I do not attribute same-sex attraction to my environment growing up. It just seems that it was part of my makeup from the beginning. An early episode of exposure to an adult magazine brought to my attention the fact that it was the guys who held my interest, not the ladies. As a kid, I had no idea what this was, or was called. I just knew that no one in my world was quite like me.

As the title of this essay indicates, I am a pleaser by nature. It was always important to me to stay in a position of favor with everyone I could. In all of life's spheres, I paid attention to the rules, and did my best to follow them. At home, at school, at church. I never wanted to disappoint.

Hand in hand with being a pleaser, I was also a hider. I knew that, in order to keep everyone happy with me, I would have to hide anything that would offend or diminish their favor. Thus, when it came to my sexual orientation, I hid it, as many do. Through nearly five decades of living, I can count on one hand the number of people I had revealed my secret to. I now realize that hiding such an important part of one's life necessarily limits how close you can get to people.

Growing up in a conservative church, I never seriously considered coming out as a gay man. In our culture, it just wasn't an option if you wanted to serve God. So I chose to live as a straight man and "keep my secret sin under subjection." Those who have lived this torment can attest that this internal war can be maddening at times. My early years in college proved extremely difficult for me as I struggled against my inherent inclinations. I withdrew from my family and became depressed and even suicidal for a number of months. I ended up dropping out of my first school in failure, still hiding as much as possible from those around me.

At 20, I was quite relieved to find a godly girl who was interested in me, and for whom I felt love and physical attraction! Before we married, I disclosed my "issue" to her, and she was very gracious and reassuring about it. Though our relationship eventually failed, I shall forever be indebted to her for her love, forgiveness and faithfulness to me during our good years together.

Though I never cheated on my wife, I struggled with the gay issue throughout our marriage of 27 years. It seemed to ebb and flow in cycles, repeatedly causing me great distraction and pain. I did my best to cope, but mine was not what I would consider to be a healthy lifestyle. Internalized shame was my enemy, always lurking around every corner.

As articulated in my earlier essays, my divorce woke me to the realities of my life and set me on a path of re-examining my beliefs and their consequences. As I began to doubt the doctrine I had clung to all my life, a thought emerged that gave me hope. "If the Bible is not actually what I always believed it to be, then what it says about homosexuality may be questionable, as well." Suddenly, I was faced with a choice: I could continue hiding in a religious culture that I was finding increasingly difficult to support, or I could muster the courage to realign my spiritual beliefs and begin living authentically as a gay man. I eventually chose the latter, which leads me to the third topic in my title: betrayal.

I recognize that my recent exodus from the faith and my coming out as a gay man may cause strong feelings of betrayal in many (if not most) of my family and friends. I hope they can understand that I hid my crisis of faith over the past year out of a sense of duty to the church I served. I sincerely wanted to retire from music ministry during the summer of 2008, but decided it would be unfair to the church to leave so abruptly. Trying to hold on another 9 months proved much more difficult than I anticipated. During that time, I am sure many people detected changes in me as I began to pull away.

I also know that my sudden transparency through these essays may be shocking to many. However, it is through these writings that I am breaking free from my tendency to hide and am learning to speak candidly about my life, old and new. Now that I have chosen to live openly, I must say the fresh air is exhilarating!

Many reading this essay have perhaps already made a number of judgments about me, based on conservative religious dogma. And that is understandable. But though I am still a pleaser, my priority now is to live honestly and fully, accepting what I am without shame or hiding. I do not expect everyone to approve of my life or my choices. I do hope to show over time that I am still the same man who seeks to honor God and others. The values that have shaped my life up until now -- kindness, love, integrity, honesty, service, etc. -- will continue to guide me. It will take time, but I will find a new spiritual path, and ultimately lead a much healthier life!

Essay #4 will be a Question and Answer format where I offer my perspectives on some common topics surrounding gay life and culture and their intersection with religion. These issues have been front and center for me over the last month, and I hope to share what I've learned so far.