Today the U.S. Senate began hearings on the confirmation of the first Latina to the U.S. Supreme Court, nominated by our first African-American President. Some are pointing out that -- finally -- the power structure of the U.S. seems to be slowly changing to more accurately reflect our nation's cultural identity. I would agree that this is a good thing, and add that President Obama's election itself signifies movement in our ideological identity, as well. There are lots of changes at work in our society these days, and many of them are for the better!
If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you'll know that as an individual, I too am personally undergoing many changes in my life at this time. I've spent the last three quarters of my life in the figurative closet, hiding my sexual orientation within a very conservative religious culture. Thus, the greater part of my identity was invested in my role as an evangelical Christian leader. Since having recently left that worldview and coming out as a gay man, one central question I have been pondering is, "Who am I now?"
Identity. It's how we view ourselves. How we define our place and meaning in the world. It affects our confidence, our standing in the larger community, and ultimately, our legacy once we're gone. But what is it, and can it be changed?
Let's imagine two friends are chatting about a new acquaintance, and one asks the other, "Who is she?" How should the other answer? What constitutes one's identity? Is it where we were born? Where we went to school, or work or live? Could it be our families or friendships? How about our skills, character, personality or accomplishments? Is it what we own or our bodies and DNA inherited at birth? Or possibly our interests, activities or hobbies? And how about our beliefs, priorities and preferences?
I would suggest that all of the above are facets of our identities. Some parts may be changed, but others may not. For example, I grew up in a Pentecostal church and dedicated myself to that ideology up until the spring of 2009. Though I am no longer a "Pentecostal," I will always be an "ex-Pentecostal" now, unless I should return to that faith again. I cannot change that. My strong religious upbringing and experiences will always be there in my past. Thankfully, I consider many of those experiences as being positive for my personal development. Sure, I can add something new to my identity, like "Presbyterian," but that still won't negate my past.
As I continue on through this period of drastic change in my life, I occasionally feel the urge to move beyond seeing myself as "ex-this" or "ex-that" and chart a new path to walk. However, I must remember that I am growing out of some things and into others. Just as a beautiful plant can spring out of dead, decaying vegetation from the past, my new life can build upon aspects of my former lifestyle (i.e., prior to coming out) and be stronger because of those experiences.
I believe that it is our CHOICES that hold our potential to change our identities. Like where we invest our money, time and talent. How we choose to spend our days and with whom. Whether we reach out to help others or stay focused inward. Our attitudes towards our past, others and change.
If our decisions are indeed the key, then each of us possesses the opportunity and privilege to change who we are by adjusting our choices in life. Of course, this is often easier said than done. We all tend to fall into routines and patterns of choices that can be difficult to alter. Society can also bring pressure to bear from multiple directions, trying to influence and/or limit our decisions. And I will be the first to confirm the pain that this pressure can inflict and the courage it takes to stand against it. But the stand is worth taking because the stakes are tremendously high. Life's alternatives hold the power to make us wildly successful or bring our demise, though they most often land us somewhere between the two.
So I'm thinking that living well comes largely from making great decisions. And making great decisions comes from thinking (which most of us don't do very much of) and getting good advice. The writing I have been doing, both online and via email with many of my new and long-time friends, has certainly been spurring me to think more than I ever have before. And my new-found freedom to openly discuss my sexuality, beliefs and life alternatives has broadened and deepened my dialogue with everyone around me. Together, I believe these factors (i.e., more thinking and communication) will help me make better choices to secure a better identity and to live a better life in the future.
One might ask whether I presented a false identity while living as a straight man all those years. I would answer, not false, but conflicted. Although I have been aware of an attraction to guys from early adolescence, my emotional love for my wife enabled me to live and function as a married heterosexual man. However, the internal conflict always raged within me. Prayer and scriptural meditation do not change one's God-given sexual orientation. They only help to cope with the pain of hiding a conflicted identity. Now that I have resolved that conflict, I experience peace, joy and freedom in a new way that I never had before. I know some of my Pentecostal friends and family may take issue with that last statement, but it is true nonetheless!
I may still be in the process of confirming my changing personal identity, but just like Sonia Sotomayor's case, my prospects are quite hopeful! Thankfully, neither the Senate nor any other group has a vote! The 'Pleaser' in me is finally surrendering to the 'Adult.'
Going forward, I hope to continue to think and rethink life's issues and alternatives, seek lots of advice from those I trust, make good choices, live authentically, and find an identity and life that I can be proud of in the end! This is the "reasonable path" for me.
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