Words for the Wise: Change

"If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."

Gail Sheehy

Ten Months and Counting

It has been five months since my last post to this blog. And that has been largely because I have been busy living, and not doing quite as much reflecting. My early posts were primarily aimed at helping my lifelong friends and family understand my process of divorcing my wife of 27 years, rethinking and ultimately rejecting my former theology, and deciding to "come out" of the closet and live openly as a gay man. I hope to transition to looking back less, and looking forward more through my essays in the future.

I count my "coming out" date from the day that I wrote a good-bye letter to my long-time friend and pastor (at that time), retiring from 29 years of music ministry, and leaving my conservative pentecostal church. I plan to post a copy of that email here on my one-year anniversary. That was on May 16, 2009, nearly ten months ago. Wow, that seems like a lifetime to me in many ways! During that time, I have changed in some aspects, and remained the same in others. Here are some reflections on where I see myself at this point in my journey.

I have now been in three dating relationships with some very nice guys. And the man I'm currently seeing is, in my opinion, simply awesome! I have discovered that dating men can be complicated in ways that I wasn't expecting, but is also extremely rewarding! I have fallen hard for a man, and suffered loss. I've discovered that, among gay men, the lines between being acquaintances, friends, competitors, and lovers are somewhat blurrier than in the straight world. Here is where, as a "newbie" to the community, I am like an adolescent, with much learning and growing to do.

I am still playing tennis in the gay tennis league, and my game is slowly improving. I can hardly wait until spring arrives when we can play outdoors once again!

I am also still volunteering on the board of an LGBT non-profit organization in Ann Arbor, and am grateful for that ongoing opportunity.

I am also still on break from music and religion, as decided when I first came out, though I miss them both. I am now thinking that I will begin exploring religion again after my one year anniversary of being out. I don't yet know what direction I'll take for musical expression, secular or sacred, but that too will be back on my radar soon.

Just this week, I found myself mourning the loss of my former church family, and my special relationship to them as music minister. My mother called me at work with news that one of my favorite aunts, now living in Alabama, had complications after surgery and was not expected to live. She had been a member of my former congregation in Ypsilanti, and a generous supporter and encourager of my ministry in music. Truth be told, she is one of my favorite people in the world, for reasons I won't go into here.

Suddenly, when I realized that she might pass away, it occurred to me that -- due to the strict ethical code of the pentecostal movement from which I came -- I would never be allowed to participate musically in her funeral. Or in any funerals for my other friends and family that would be conducted in one of that organization's churches. As an "unrepentant" gay "backslider," church leaders are required to prohibit me from even casual involvement in church music. When I was music minister, I dutifully enforced this code myself.

All the way home from work that day, I wept bitterly at the realization of this loss. I would be unable to be there for my aunt in her final tribute. My days as music minister for that entire group of people were over. These were people for whom I arranged and conducted music to dedicate their children, marry them, encourage them through hard times and sickness, and ultimately lay them to rest. Now that I have walked away from that life, I will never again feel the fulfillment of serving these precious people. It was a sad and bitter realization.

Thankfully, I received a call several days later with news that my aunt's prognosis had reversed. She pulled through the critical phase and is now doing much better.

I also am keenly aware of the absence of being part of a church community. A place where children, young people, singles, married folks, and seniors all come together every week as a body of believers. Outside of church, that phenomenon just doesn't exist, and I miss it badly. Though I have a new circle of friends, that network does not match the dedication, purpose and affection found within a congregation united by common faith. It is a benefit I once took for granted, but hope to regain when I find a new church home and family.

On the other side of the coin, much about me remains unchanged. I still live in the same house, and work on the same job. However, I now have a number of (straight) co-workers with whom I have bonded through my coming out process. There is nothing like taking the risk to come out to someone and feeling their acceptance and love! I have been blessed with a number of such friendships at work, and they are awesome!

I still consider myself to be pretty conservative. Though my social and political views have moved considerably to the left, I still live in moderation. I've still never been drunk or taken drugs. I don't gamble or have multiple sexual partners. Yes, I'm still me, but I'm careful not to judge others who may do all of those things. "To each, his (or her) own."

I have learned much over the past ten months, but also still have so much ahead of me to learn! It's exciting! Gratefully, I still unequivocally and unashamedly say that I don't regret for a moment my decision to leave the faith of my upbringing and to live authentically! The freedom to be myself is SO much better than the benefits of living closeted in a world of inner turmoil and conflict! There'll be no looking back for me!

Words for the Wise: Happiness

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet."

James Oppenheim

Sources of Happiness

Yesterday, I was talking with a friend about the question, "What makes you happy?" Growing up, I remember hearing talk about the difference between "happiness" and "joy." The former being a fleeting emotion, and the latter a lasting result of good living. I'm not sure whether that's splitting hairs with semantics, but for the purpose of this discussion, I'll consider the two words to be synonymous.

Here's what I think makes me happy (or gives me joy)...

1. Doing the right things with excellence.

2. Connecting with people.

3. Connecting with nature.

4. Creating.

I believe that happiness is a basic human experience that all should be entitled to. I've read and heard experiences from folks who have visited third world countries where they found that the children seemed to be much happier than many kids they knew in America, despite all our abundance! That is the kind of happiness that I seek! The kind that lasts, regardless of what life's circumstances may bring!

Of course, there are other sources of happiness that are more transient. Things like: health, wealth, beauty, status, comfort and security. Let's call these the "Shallow Six." Unfortunately, many of us, for one reason or another -- or sometimes a host of reasons all at the same time -- do not enjoy the luxuries of the Shallow Six. Our health fails, or our beauty fades, or we lose the security of a job or home. And if our happiness is rooted in those things, we could be in for one mighty unhappy journey! Sadly, many people may enjoy four or five of the Shallow Six, but because they focus on the single one (like wealth) that they do not have, they remain unhappy. How sad!

So, back to what I look to for happiness...

Doing the right things with excellence. I firmly believe that we are happiest when we (1) have thought through and captured the principles by which we will choose to live our lives, and (2) seek to follow those principles. Too many people don't think enough. Our media-crazed culture bombards us with so many ideas and messages, that we can literally stumble through life simply following the crowd. In order to live a life of significance (an important goal of mine), I think it is important to identify principles, natural laws, and "truths" that we believe are proven foundation stones on which we can build an effective and fulfilled life. Then, we must maintain a focus to follow them. For example, I believe in the Golden Rule as one of my life principles: "Do to others as you would have them do to you." Therefore, if I cut someone off and commandeer a parking space at the mall, I ultimately rob myself of joy. In not living my principles, I disrespect myself, and in the process am less happy.

I am currently reviewing and updating my Life Principles; a ritual I have been following for many years. I keep a copy of these in the front of my day planner to be reviewed on a regular basis. This way, I can remember precisely how to live each day to maximize my happiness! Choosing the best, most reasonable path day by day. That gives me deep, satisfying joy!

I also mention the words "with excellence" above. I am happiest when I know I've done my best. Whether at work, at school, in relationships, with projects, or whatever. I value excellence, and am happiest when I strive for it. So I want to do the things that I consider to be right and best, and do them to the best of my ability. That is a substantial source of happiness for me.

Connecting with people. This is my favorite! I love and value people! I have lived much of my life closeted in my former religious culture, but now I'm out, proud, open and soooo happy! Sharing a meal with a friend, listening to someone "vent" their frustration and empathizing with them, being kind to a stranger, sending a card, discussing challenging topics vigorously, enjoying a hug or a simple smile, or passionate physical intimacy in a safe, honoring relationship. Interacting with people makes me happy! Especially now that I am living openly and authentically! I find that my relationships are now deeper, more meaningful, and more satisfying than ever before. Coming out has truly been a gift to myself, and one of the best decisions I've ever made! I wish all gay/lesbian people the courage and grace to come out and enjoy the happiness that exists in the light of revelation!

Connecting with nature. There's something satisfying about experiencing nature that nothing else can replace. I'm happiest when I'm outside, preferably in the sunshine! Summer, fall, winter or spring. I love them all, and the natural world around me gives me joy!

Creating. It's in my nature to create! And I'm happy when I have the opportunity to exercise my creative skills. Writing essays (this post is making me happy, right now!) or poetry, drawing a picture, writing a new song, or playing an old familiar tune on the piano in a creative way. I feel most alive when I get the opportunity to express my creative self!

One thing that I have not mentioned so far is an idea that used to be a primary focus of mine: Fulfilling my God-given purpose. Since leaving my life-long faith and home church earlier this year, my belief in and understanding of God has been in flux. And still is. The notion of a God-ordained purpose is tied to and dependent upon faith, and is therefore currently under reconsideration. I think that having a purpose to focus one's life around can certainly bring a powerful effectiveness. As I work through resolution of my spiritual and religious beliefs, I may come to add "Fulfilling my life purpose" to the list of things that make me happy. I'm just not certain about it right now.

So my philosophy for happiness is to focus on those sources that are lasting, worthwhile and within my control. I don't mind enjoying the more tentative happiness that comes from health, wealth, beauty, status, comfort and security, to the extent that I experience them. However, I will hold the Shallow Six -- and the happiness that they bring -- with an open hand, realizing that the winds of life could whisk them away at any time.

So what makes you happy?

Words for the Wise: An Open Mind

"Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion... or you shall learn nothing."

Thomas Huxley

Dear God, Are You Gay?

Hi, God. How are you? I hope you are well. (Just kidding! Of course you're well!) I'm sure trusting that you have a sense of humor like I think you do. Just looking at some of the creatures you made down here makes me pretty sure you like to laugh!

You know, I should mention that it's really hard to always remember to capitalize every title and pronoun that describes you, so I hope you won't take it personally if I skip that whole idea for this letter. It just seems that writing you should be a more relaxed exercise, and not such a difficult job! Kind of like living for you should be.

Anyway, here's what's on my mind today: Sometimes I wonder whether you might be at least partly gay yourself. I say this for a couple of reasons.

First, you seem to have created a certain percentage of us to have this same-sex attraction naturally. Not only people, but animals as well. I'm sure you know that homosexual behavior is common in nature and has been observed by man among 1,500 animal species and well documented in 500. And the fact that you equipped both sexes - and not just the females - with orifices that fit the male sexual organ tells me that you were facilitating more than procreation when you designed us.

Another reason that I wonder about "gay" being part of who you are, is the nature of many of those down here who are anti-gay. Whenever the subject comes up, their peace often goes out the window and they get upset and downright hateful. Their speech and actions strike me as being the opposite of what you are: "loving" and "accepting." At least that's how I see you.

Above all, I suppose I wonder whether part of you might be gay because, like all other humans, I tend to see myself in you. I think you're probably a lot like me, and I'm gay, so the logic follows. Of course, you know that we all tend to "create you in our own image." In my experience, many conservative evangelicals see you as an uptight, stern, vengeful deity, which I think is actually more a reflection of them than you. To them, "God's justice" demands judgment and resistance against homosexuality. To me, "God's justice" means all of your children should be treated equally and with honor, regardless of who they love. Our standard should not be HOW we love, but WHETHER we love! So God, please help me to be understanding and patient, just like you. Help me choose to be kind, accepting, forgiving and loving, and know that these traits all come from you, father! Others can serve a harsh God in a harsh manner if they want. I'd rather not, and I believe you'd rather not be viewed as harsh, as well!

I also want to say how thankful I am that, while you were here on earth as Jesus, you never condemned homosexuality. Of course, you did preach against many bad things like hatred, pride and hypocrisy. I'm not sure how you feel about so many of your followers today claiming that, "God hates homosexuality, so I hate it too." I imagine you've got to be pretty ticked off at Fred Phelps and his followers. I can't imagine anyone more full of hatred than those folks. Still, I hope you'll have mercy on them, and help them to overcome whatever is inside them that makes them project hatred onto you that way.

You know, I feel bad how men have portrayed you in parts of the Bible. Through the years, they've put an awful lot of evil words in your mouth, and attributed you with a number of unjust acts. I have to confess that I don't understand why you let them do this. Your silence today, amidst the clamor of mankind's dissonant voices, sincerely puzzles me. I'm just being honest, God.

Anyway - back to the subject - I suppose it doesn't really matter whether you're partly gay, God. I know that you love and accept me anyway, just as I am. We don't have to be just alike for you to do that. Just like my straight friends and family love me unconditionally, even though I'm different than them. By the way, thank you for them, God. I don't ever want to take them for granted! It would be really great if you could help them all come to accept who I am, as I have grown to. I know it's really hard for some of them, but I still have hope. And I suspect that you do too!

Well, I suppose I've said enough for now. Take care, and I'll be talking to you soon!