As I discussed at length in my first essay, over the past year or so, I have gone through an internal process of self-examination. Part of this process involved taking a new look at what I believed about God, the church and religion. I eventually came to reject what I consider to be the primary tenant of fundamentalism. That would be belief in the Bible as the inerrant, inspired Word of God.
My purpose in this essay is not to debate these issues with anyone, but to explain my perspective and ongoing evolution of faith. I am describing some of the key issues I have been grappling with, in an attempt to help my friends and family better understand some of the major changes I have made in my life. Please understand that I am not judgmental toward anyone who CAN hold onto their Evangelical beliefs. It's just that, under my particular set of circumstances, I have chosen to change my outlook on the Bible and religion. My next essay (#3) will explain precisely what I'm referring to in that last sentence.
After my divorce in the spring of 2008, I decided to return to college and complete a bachelor's degree, retire from music ministry and relocate to another church. Since I knew that my current church would need advanced notice to allow time to figure out who would replace me as Music Minister, I decided to give one more year to music ministry and retire at the end of May, 2009. During this time, I began to re-examine my beliefs in earnest. As my faith in traditional Evangelical doctrine continued to erode, I found myself in the dilemma of having to lead a music team while in a state of growing spiritual uncertainty. Through this difficult time, I struggled to hold onto my traditional beliefs long enough to see my commitment through to its end. However, as I gradually disengaged from the music ministry those last months before I left, much of my former belief system collapsed.
To limit this essay to a reasonable length, I will only offer a few examples of the irreconcilable issues I have with my former doctrine.
In Essay #1 I explained my inability to reconcile the angry, warring God of the Old Testament with the loving, peaceful God of the New Testament. The Bible clearly establishes that God is "the same yesterday, today and forever." But how could God command Israel to commit genocide against entire nations, and then through Jesus and Paul, teach us to "turn the other cheek" and "live at peace with all men"? I think it is easy for people to unconsciously ignore such inconsistencies in order to maintain a conviction that the Bible does not contradict itself.
Incidentally, I also take issue with the notion of God commanding genocide in the first place. Most of us certainly are appalled by it in Rwanda and Darfur! Why would it be OK for God to do it? It seems more plausible to me that Israel could have fabricated such a command from God in order to justify their conquest of land in the Middle East.
And then there is the idea of hell as a place of eternal torment for those who sin or reject God. The Bible teaches that God is just. A quick look at the law given by God to Moses reveals a principle of justice that has been passed down to modern jurisprudence: the punishment should fit the crime. This is a key principle of civil government. Yet, I think it is easy for people to miss the significance of ETERNAL damnation! When there is NO END to the punishment, it becomes impossible for it to "fit the crime." Regardless of how bad one's offenses are during one's life on earth, there is no human sin bad enough to warrant UNENDING torture by fire! Any human who is unwilling or unable to stop severely assaulting an offender would be considered mentally unstable or insane. The notion that God does this seems irrational and unacceptable to me. To the idea that hell is simply eternal separation from God and not physical torment, I respond that, regardless of what my child has done or how badly they have hurt me, I would NEVER banish them from my presence FOREVER. That is neither just, nor civil, nor loving. Nor godly!
At this point, I am usually asked, "So what DO you believe about hell?" Frankly, I don't yet know how to respond. The topic will certainly be part of my ongoing search for a reasonable spirituality, but I have no answers for now. The only thing I'm certain about regarding religion and faith is that I'm no longer certain!
Regarding divine healing, I do not deny miraculous recoveries from sicknesses and diseases within the church. However, I would point out that according to medical science, a certain percentage of ALL illnesses report spontaneous recoveries WITHOUT prayer or spiritual intervention. My real issue with this topic resides in the notion of divine cause and effect. The Bible relates a great number of promises from God. "If you will _____, I will _____." For example, (paraphrasing) "If you ask anything in my name, according to my will, without doubting, while abiding in my favor, I will do what you ask." When we do ask and get a favorable result, we immediately attribute the success to God. Yet, when we ask but get an unfavorable result, we fall back to a number of excuse mechanisms. "Perhaps it wasn't God's will. Who are we to know what's best?" Or "It has to be in HIS timing. Just continue knocking!" Or my favorite, "God is a sovereign God. He'll do what He wishes." So my beef comes with claiming absolute cause and effect relationships, while providing a flurry of smoke and mirrors to cover the fact that they often don't seem to work. When I see friends and faithful members of my former church still suffering in pain and disease, despite YEARS of weekly prayer by the entire congregation, it brings great pause to my faith. Were NONE of these folks abiding in Christ? Were NONE of them believing without doubting? Not likely.
These are but a few of the many irreconcilable issues I have with my former doctrinal beliefs. My decision to leave my lifelong faith was not an easy one, nor a sudden one. It came as a result of asking this single question: "Is it worth it to me to ignore all of these inconsistencies, in order to continue believing this doctrine?" My answer was "no." There are more reasonable ways to believe in and serve God, and I plan to pursue them. Essay #3 will shed light on a heretofore hidden aspect of my life that provided the context I needed to make this life changing decision.
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