Shedding Shirts and Shame

When I start to explain to new friends just how conservative the religion I grew up in was, it almost makes me start laughing. Their reactions are priceless! But it really does help people see just how far my philosophical pendulum has swung, going from the far right of "right-wing conservative" to where I live now: the gay community. Wow!

For those who don't know, let me describe the culture in which I was raised.

Modesty was not only important, it was our "badge" of honor. The denomination I'm talking about is known for its standards. The ladies bore the brunt of it, but we all contributed. The women did not cut their hair or wear makeup - at all. They did not wear slacks (considered to be "men's apparel") and their dresses had to be modest. Interpretation: high neckline, sleeves to elbows, hem below knees, and not tight fitting. And no other clothing that was more revealing than that. And they wore nylons all the time. Yes, even on canoe trips!

The men had their hair cut short and no facial hair. Sleeves to elbows, no shorts above knees. No tight clothing, either. Neither sex wore jewelry nor tattoos or other piercings. Men were not to go shirtless in public. No "mixed bathing" in public. That is, no hot tubs, pools, beaches, or swimming with members of the opposite sex who were not immediate family. We didn't drink liquor or smoke. We didn't have TVs in our homes or go to movie theaters. We didn't bowl, or dance or skate in roller rinks. No competitive sports, either. And we discouraged folks from listening to "secular" radio, too. Bad influence.

We were "in the world, but separated from the world." So when I say, "conservative," I mean CON-SER-VA-TIVE! (Smile.) This is how I was raised. And this is how I raised my children. (So you can understand how difficult the changes I've made in my life are for them to process now!)

So now that I have rejected fundamentalism and the conservative evangelical view of the Bible, I feel like Rip Van Winkle, waking up from a 50 year sleep and experiencing the world for the first time! I feel like a baby in many ways. And, amusing as this may sound, I have been keeping a "Firsts List." I can tell you the date I first "came out" as gay to a stranger. Or the first time I took a guy on a date.

Here's the latest big "first" for me: Last Saturday, I went jogging without a shirt for the first time! That milestone may seem inconsequential to most people, but my long-time friends and family might actually find themselves shocked or saddened by this news. I decided to write this into my blog, because it was a step for me in my process of rejecting shame.

It was interesting, all the thoughts that went through my head as I decided and then prepared to do this. I had recently mowed my grass without a shirt for the first time several weeks ago. That was a big (and difficult!) first step for me, but this was different. Now I was actually going to go shirtless out in public. Away from the privacy of my own yard and neighborhood.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the body I'd like. Particularly for a gay man. It's pretty important in this culture. So I'm working on it. But I wrestled with the question, "Do I wait to go shirtless until I have a chest I'm proud to show, or do I go shirtless as a motivation to work on my body?" I chose the latter. Yes, I have a few stubborn extra pounds around the middle that won't seem to go away, regardless of how I eat. According to my reading, I'm going to have to gain some muscle in my chest and arms in order to lose the extra pounds around the middle. Muscle burns more calories than fat. Problem is, I have just never worked out to the point of actually having much muscle in my upper body. But now that I'm over 40, my body naturally loses more muscle mass every year, unless I work at it. So I'm trying, but it seems that discipline and consistency are in short supply sometimes!

Anyway, I didn't think that running without a shirt would make passersby throw up at the sight, so I went. And I found it to be a great experience! I know everyone is dying to know this, but here are the benefits (that I thought of as I was running) that come with running shirtless:

1. The breeze feels great on one's skin! It was definitely cooler than wearing a shirt.

2. I was able to boost my vitamin D, which is made by the skin when exposed to the sun. And vitamin D helps ward off depression.

3. The sun will tan my chest, which - now that I'm dating again - will come in handy at some point.

4. The mild exhibitionism was a boost to my self confidence. I'm OK with my body, thank you.

5. It gave me something to write about in my blog. (Actually, I didn't think about that until later.)

I must also report that someone honked at me as I was running, but I didn't see who it was. So, whoever you are, I beat you to the draw and published this to the world before you got a chance to start a rumor!

Thinking back to my blog theme, A Reasonable Path, I think that not feeling shame about one's body is healthier than always worrying about being modest. I believe that suppressing our sexuality makes us imbalanced by either making us obsess about sex and the forbidden, or by making us asexual (not sexual at all). Both are unhealthy. Obvioiusly, God created us to be sexual beings. I also believe He is pleased when we experience that amazing part of our lives with another human being, within the context of respect and honor.

So as I continue to work through this transition from ultra-conservative to moderate liberal, I'll continue to shed some unhealthy things from my past. This time, it was my shirt!